The holiday season is almost upon us. The snow starts falling, children get giddy, and families everywhere prepare to reunite. Things can get pretty hectic. If you’re not careful, you can inadvertently have yourself a holly jolly Christmas. To avoid falling into such an unfortunate predicament, here is a guide to help you tap into your inner Adultitis, ensuring a completely stressed-out season.
1. Wait to do all of your Christmas shopping until sometime on Christmas Eve. It’s easier to make decisions on what to buy when everything is picked over.
2. When decorating your home for the holidays, use Macy’s as your guide. Pay attention to the details. Everyone will notice things like mismatched garland. Your goal is to make Martha Stewart’s head blow up; anything short of that is unacceptable.
3. Attend every single holiday party you’re invited to (even the ones hosted by people you haven’t talked to since the party they hosted last year) and send Christmas cards to everyone you know, including your mailman, spouse’s great aunt’s mailman and the husband of your deceased third grade teacher. Then send out cards to everyone in your zip code.
4. Remember, this year the success and happiness of everyone’s Christmas depends on you. Whether you’re hosting a holiday party for friends, co-workers, or just your immediate family, everything has to go perfectly. If it doesn’t, you will be solely responsible for unalterably ruining Christmas for everyone.
5. Figure out your monthly income. Multiply that by three and use that as your holiday gift budget. Charge all purchases to your Discover card and plan to pay it all off at some undetermined date in the future. When buying Christmas presents for people, keep in mind that the amount you spend on the gift is a direct indicator of how much you love them.
6. Make sure you ask for the gift receipt for every present you open. Then you can exchange all of the stuff those thoughtless jerks bought you for better stuff.
7. If uncontrollable events like traffic or weather conditions alter your holiday plans, allow yourself to complain, pout, and fume for at least three days. And make sure you let everyone around you know what an injustice this was.
8. Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to believe in silly superstitions like Santa Claus or Christmas miracles or goodwill toward men. You’re not a kid, and this isn’t the movies.
Bonus tip! Remember the real reason for the season: To buy your child the hottest toy (as decided by a famous talk show host.) Extra credit is yours if you can arrange a heated fist fight with a similarly minded parent.