I was speaking in Reno about one of the most controversial “rules” I wrote about in Penguins Can’t Fly, which is “Thou shalt not swap sides of the bed.” Just the mention of it can give people who have been in long-term relationships the heebie-jeebies.

Shortly thereafter, an attendee named Laura emailed me to tell me she had tried it with her husband. “He was hilarious,” she wrote, “and he did not like it at all. We were laughing so hard through the whole thing!”

That same day, I got a note from Jeff, who heard me speak in New Orleans the week before. He reported that my talk really hit home, especially the idea of tinkering. He said, “I fall into the trap of telling my daughter how to do things far too often, rather than letting her tinker and figure out the way that works best for her. Thank you for helping me to take a step back and let people around me figure things out on their own.”

These are my favorite kind of emails to get.

On the surface, they don’t appear to be all that life-changing. Just a shared laugh and a slightly new perspective. But I love hearing stories like these because they represent a start. A spark. Maybe that couple from Reno hadn’t laughed that long in a while, and this silly exercise reminded them just how good it felt, and inspired them to work on recapturing that facet of their relationship.

Maybe thanks to some newly granted freedom, Jeff’s daughter will blossom in unexpected ways, and their relationship will grow stronger than he ever imagined.

In a related note, I got another email from someone who had just been laid off for the third time in an industry she’d worked in for over 30 years. She said, “You seem to have a job you like. How did you get there? How did you make it happen?”

I’m not sure what she was expecting, but I wondered if she was hoping for some magic formula that could leapfrog over all the years of trial and error, pain, and persistence in one fell swoop.

I am reminded of how backwards our programming can be.

We disregard the small steps, the incremental improvements, and the tiny sparks that can transform everything, in our search for the headline-grabbing sea change. The mantra is, “Go big or go home!”

But life is a game of inches.

The kind of relationship you’ve been looking for can start with a shared laugh. You can make great strides as a parent or leader by making one small change in your approach. The life or business you’ve always dreamed of can begin with signing up for one class, making one phone call, or reading one book.

Of course, these little things can only do so much in and of themselves. They need to be followed up with more little steps. But they are the start, and starting is often the hardest part.

You can waste time believing in fairy tales about magic formulas if you’d like. But the best relationships, teams, and businesses are the culmination of progress made one inch at a time.

The good news? If you start right now, you’ll be one inch closer to your goal today than you were yesterday.

This is a photo by Allard Schlager of a real live tulip field in The Netherlands. I am convinced that you could live one hundred lifetimes and never see all of the wonders this world has to offer.

It makes me wonder why we rely on drugs or alcohol or even television to enhance our reality. At best, they are cheap imitations. A more productive option might be to practice seeing the world through childlike eyes.

The world is filled with awesome things. Look around and be amazed.

One of Kim’s favorite words is “savor.” The dictionary defines the verb this way: “to have experience of, to taste or smell with pleasure, or to delight in.”

For Kim, it’s a reminder, a goal, and an aspiration for living.

A reader named Kelli wrote this on our Facebook page:

“I used to eat M&Ms and look at each one individually enjoying their color, counting them, sorting them, seeing if any had a n instead of an m, or no letter at all, etc. Now I just grab a handful and put them in my mouth. Savoring details is something I need to work on.”

The tragedy of modern life is that we are being conditioned to talk, eat, learn, move, and live faster than ever. Meanwhile, the magic of little things goes completely unnoticed.

Faster is killing us. Slow is the way to go.

I think savoring details is something we ALL need to work on.

Because as Ferris Bueller reminded us, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

We were not disappointed.

I love how the bold colors pop off the blue background.

I love how the cereal is larger than life.

I love that our kitchen suddenly feels…magically delicious.

“I realize humor isn’t for everyone. It’s only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.”
–Anne Wilson Schaef

Wouldn’t it be cool to have a device that could tell you what babies are thinking at any given moment?

Only time will tell if my son Ben will grow up to be a speaker, but I sure would pay a lot of money to hear what’s on his mind.

That we might be unfocused is also a hard thing to admit about ourselves.

Because being focused seems too limiting — too small. We’re created for greatness, right?

“I want to get debt-free AND lose weight AND train for a half-marathon AND watch less television!”

“I have an awesome product that can help anyone — I want the whole world to know about it!”

Worthy goals, to be sure. But when we spread our resources too thin, we end up falling short everywhere. If you’re having trouble gaining traction in some area of your life, perhaps it’s because you’re lacking focus.

A few years ago, a speaking colleague shared that he’d been struggling to get his business to grow. Try as he might, he could never get any of his four profit centers to exceed anything but meager growth. Then he took a different tack. He focused all of his attention on just one of the revenue streams, virtually ignoring the other ones. The area he focused on grew like a magic beanstalk. Even more amazingly, the other three areas grew as well!

He explained that if you drive one thing to the moon, the rest will come along for the ride.

A person who has focused on getting more disciplined with her personal finances and marveled at how she suddenly starts eating better has seen this phenomenon first hand.

My speaking friend inspired me to do the same. At the time, our business had a lot of different things going on and we had a new baby join our family. We were going in what seemed like a million different directions. We had a retail store, an online store, a membership program and a speaking business. Kim and I eliminated a few things entirely and decided to focus on speaking, since that was our most profitable endeavor at the time. Much to our delight, our speaking business shot through the roof and the remaining revenue streams improved as well. Meanwhile, we decreased our expenses, were less stressed, and our life became a whole lot simpler.

For me, it became a powerful lesson in focus that I’ve never forgotten.

Focus isn’t easy, but the more focused you are, the easier everything else becomes.

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[ Lacking Focus, shot with my Canon Digital Rebel XS ]

Me, I’m not a big fan of resolutions. Instead, I like to choose a word of the year.

If you think about it, a word of the year makes for a better story than a resolution. A resolution is kind of boring. Whether it’s to lose 50 pounds, run a marathon, or get out of debt, there’s not a lot of mystery to it. You either accomplish it or not. (Mostly not, according to the statistics.) Plus, it usually involves a lot of work.

But a word, now that brings some drama. It’s specific, yet open-ended. It gives you a direction with which to focus your energy, but leaves the door open for surprises. And besides, whose story sounds better, the girl who chose “Freedom” as her word of the year, or the guy who wants to lose 15 pounds of belly fat?

I’ve been thinking about my word of the year for a few weeks now. I knew the feeling I was going for, but I couldn’t think of a word that embodied it. Finally, it hit me: magic. That’s my word of the year. Considering I’ve been saying it a lot of late, it should have been more obvious.

Now, I won’t be learning any card tricks or anything. To me, magic is the free prize, the unexpected little extra that transforms an experience from average to awesome. Magic doesn’t have to cost money, but it does require creativity and mindfulness. Because it doesn’t happen by chance. In 2012, I want to experience magic, and I want to help create magical experiences for others.

Most resolutions only address one level of your life, such as your body, your relationships, your job. But the cool thing about a word of the year is that it covers your whole life. For instance, I’m looking forward to making and experiencing magic in my speaking programs, through our web site, in my travels, and in my daily life with Kim and the kids.

Adultitis-Fighting Tip: If you haven’t already, why not come up with your own word of the year? I have more thoughts about it here, and this great primer even has a list of words to spark your imagination. Spend some time in quiet thinking about your word, and then write it down or print it out and post it somewhere you’ll see it every day.

What’s your Word of the Year for 2012?

[ Magic. Gliiter, construction paper and a Christmas tree, shot with my Canon Digital Rebel XS ]

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According to the hip kids these days, a babymoon is like a honeymoon. Except in reverse. On an honeymoon, you relax and enjoy downtime together AFTER the big day. With a babymoon, mom and dad get away for a little R&R time BEFORE the baby comes (at which point sleep and coherent conversations become rare).

Seeing the Northern Lights in person had been on my bucket list for a while, so I was curious as to what our chances were of seeing them while in Fairbanks, which is where the conference I was speaking at was being held.

A quick Google search confirmed that one of the best times and places to see the Aurora was the beginning of October in…Fairbanks, Alaska.

Destiny!

So we arranged for Lucy to stay with her cousins and booked a neat little cabin for three nights in the middle of nowhere. The Aurora Borealis Lodge is about 100 miles from the Arctic Circle and a million miles from more typical babymoon destinations. It’s a rustic hideaway with modern amenities, built by two guys a few years ago. Perched on a summit, there were only four guest rooms, but each one featured huge glass windows facing the north and a comfy couch for taking in the show. One of the selling points was a walkie-talkie in the room, which was used to inform the guests of an Aurora sighting, regardless of the time of night. We were told that if we stayed for three nights, we had an 80% chance of seeing it.

No guarantee, but pretty good odds.

I had my fingers crossed that we’d see the Aurora at least once, and in the back of my head, I secretly wondered if I might be able to photograph it. My interest in photography had intensified since buying my Canon DSLR about a year ago, and something like this would be quite a feather in my amateur cap. But still, it seemed like a pretty lofty goal. I assumed that photographing such a phenomenon would probably require expensive lenses, fancy equipment and years of experience I didn’t have. But I packed my tripod in the suitcase and hoped for the best.

I had saved a handful of how-to articles from the web, as I knew we wouldn’t have wi-fi access once we got to the cabin. I didn’t have much time to study them beforehand. When we got to the cabin, I started cramming like a teenager prepping for a chemistry final. I was trying to keep notes straight about ideal F-stops and ISO settings and noise reduction techniques, when a voice crackled from the Walkie Talkie: “The aurora is out!”

“Already?!”

I sprang to the window and Kim and I saw the soft but growing green hue diffusing into the darkening sky. Then a subtle arc slowly seeped across the horizon. It was not as busy as I’d heard the Aurora can get, but reminded me of a cosmic cat slowly waking after a long nap. Eventually, vertical shafts of light began to appear, like the spires of emerald green castle in the air.

I grabbed my camera, tripod, and cable release and entered the cold night to try my hand at capturing these magical whispers of light. Here’s some of what I got:

Looking back, I realized that I’d just updated my bucket list right before we booked the gig in Fairbanks, so the items were fresh in my mind. Had I not just done that, it may not have crossed my mind to look into the odds of seeing the Northern Lights while in Alaska. I could have missed one of the great moments of my life and not even known it.

When it comes to dream-getting, there is real power in simply deciding what you want in life. Just writing things down is a huge step, if for nothing else than to awaken your subconscious to opportunities to accomplish things on your bucket list that you may have otherwise missed.

Your head may be swirling with bold dreams and crazy wishes and wild hairs about things you’d “like to do someday.” But are they written down somewhere? Grab a scratch piece of paper right now and start with a simple Top 10 list. Yes, those dreams may require time or money you don’t have, and appear impractical, unlikely, or even impossible. It doesn’t matter. Physically write them down and stash the list in a drawer, your planner, or your bible.

Henry David Thoreau once said, “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

Yes, accomplishing dreams does take work and effort and sacrifice and sometimes money. That’s the practical stuff. That’s the foundation.

But foundation building is impossible if you don’t know what it is you’re actually building.

It all needs to start with the castles in the air.

(They may or may not be green.)

Shocking then, why I love them so.

It seems like you should be able to tell a lot about someone by what kind of breakfast cereal a person eats.

For instance, someone who eats Cheerios is saying, “I’m healthy, I’m disciplined, and I care about my heart.”

Someone who eats Kashi cereals is saying, “I’m über healthy, I’m über disciplined, and I have Adultitis.”

Someone who eats a whole box of Capn’ Crunch is saying, “I am CC Sabathia. I pitch for the New York Yankees. I can do whatever I want.”

And me? I guess I’m probably saying, “I try to be good, but sometimes the pull to eat candy for breakfast is just too great.”

[ Shot with Canon Rebel XL with a borrowed macro lens. Thanks Judson! ]

A 2011 Dodge Freaking Charger.

It makes me feel like I’m driving the Batmobile.

Yes, I know it’s white. But I’m talking about the special Batmobile that Batman takes to weddings.

Delivering a kick-butt speech and driving to the next gig on a beautiful day with the windows down and the tunes cranked is now my favorite thing to do in the whole wide world.

Kim and I are thisclose to getting something like this for our next family car.

Yes, that’s what I said.

It’s got a roomy interior, a huge trunk, and it’s ridiculously unconventional (as far as “family sedans” go), all of which are quite appealing. (It even comes in toxic orange!) And believe it or not, Kim is actually probably more willing to pull the trigger than me.

We’ll see. You never know.

The only certain thing is that a minivan is completely out of the question. On that, Kim, Batman, and I all agree.

[ 2011 Dodge Charger shot with my iPhone using the Instagram app ]

Happiness is really nothing more complicated than playing hooky on a beautiful afternoon and sharing some ice cream with someone you love.

Interestingly, there are many people who might consider their lives to be quite ordinary. They examine their actions and determine them to be nothing special. They might describe themselves as — gasp! — normal.

While I wish these people and their families were the good kind of normal, the reality is that they are actually quite extraordinary.

You see, doing the right thing, even when no one is looking, is not normal. It’s extraordinary.

Sacrificing a nicer home and newer car and more dinners out so one parent can stay home with the kids is not normal. It’s extraordinary.

Refraining from demeaning, demonizing, or de-friending someone who disagrees with you on an issue (especially political) is not normal. It’s extraordinary.

Being responsible and living on a budget is not normal. It’s extraordinary. (Just ask Uncle Sam.)

And these days, eating dinner with your family. Together. At the same time. Not in a moving vehicle. That’s not normal. But it is definitely extraordinary.

This quote from the television show “The Middle” sums it up nicely:

“In families where parents get up every morning and go to jobs that are hard, so they can get their kids through school and life, and struggle to make it all work, and manage to do it with dignity and a little humor…that’s not average, that’s extraordinary.”

If you or your family seems boringly normal, cheer up. You may be more extraordinary than you think.

[ Photo taken at Finnegan’s Toy Store in Portland with my Canon Digital Rebel XS ]

Adios Adultitis!

We were in sunny Southern California for a speaking gig and we tacked on a few extra days for some fun to take Lucy to the San Diego Zoo and Sea World. Sea World is set up very similarly to the Disney parks, in that whenever you exit an exhibit/attraction/ride, you are forced to walk through the overpriced gift shop filled to the brim with goodies galore. It’s tempting, especially with a little one. The cuddly penguin stuffed animals, the adorable Shamu floppy fishing hat — they had some neat stuff. Then it hit me… STUFF. We do NOT need more STUFF. The line from my Stop Doing List surfaced to my consciousness…

“Instead of ‘stuff’ acquire memories and experiences.”

Now backing up, I should mention that Jason LOVES animals of all kinds. I think it has to do with his artistic perspective and background. He’s in awe of the amazing patterns and creative features and how they were designed so purposefully. So, as you would guess, he is pretty childlike crazy about Shamu. When we arrived, we saw that Sea World offers an experience where you can dine with Shamu.

You make reservations to have dinner at a restaurant that is attached to his tank, then throughout the dinner you can watch him up close (along with about 100 other people) and enjoy a more personal connection with this fabulous creature.

YES, PLEASE!

We decided that this would replace any souvenirs we would carry home with us. Jason and I were both thrilled about the opportunity and found ourselves enjoying the anticipation of our 6 o’clock date with Shamu throughout the entire day.

After it was all said and done, we were THRILLED with how everything unfolded and the amazing memories that were made. We had arguably the best seat in the place, right in the middle next to the glass. The three of us were in awe. And to our surprise and delight, the trainers were there to guide Shamu in his behaviors, so we got to see tricks and learn all about this fabulous creature in a setting that made it feel like we were among friends. The vibe in the place was giddy and childlike, everyone was thrilled to be there and savoring every second. Quite the experience!

I was also proud of Jason. He did a nice job of living in the moment and not behind the viewfinder of his camera, which was tempting with such great shots every second… and the camera gods blessed him for it. With only taking less than a dozen pics, he came away with a few money shots seen here that will serve as treasured reminders of that fun evening we spent with Shamu in San Diego.

So, lesson learned: when something is written down that you want to stop doing and the opportunity arises to tackle it, it’s super rewarding and feels great to actually follow-through on the promises you’ve made with yourself.

Have you written your Stop Doing List yet?

If not, what are you waiting for?!

Kim and I took Lucy and two of her cousins to a Madison Mallards baseball game recently. I brought my camera and managed to snap a few photos of Millie, one of the mascots, and she danced down the first base line jazzing up the crowd.

It’s an ok photo, but did you see it?

Look closer at Millie’s eye, and you’ll notice the face of the performer inside the costume. She’s smiling.

When fitted with the standard emotionally unchanging giant heads, most sports mascots have to communicate primarily through energy and mime. Unsurprisingly, on the outside, Millie was a happy and upbeat oversized Mallard.

But it was kind of neat to look at this photo later and realize that, although the crowd couldn’t see it, the person who brought Millie to life was also having a good time. Clearly, she loved what she was doing.

I’d be willing to wager that if she didn’t, we’d be able to tell from her performance, even though we couldn’t see her face under the mask.

That’s true of the rest of us as well. I like to think that I’m pretty good at faking enthusiasm and passion when I need to. But I’m not. No one is. No matter what your occupation, whether your title is vice president or stay-at-home parent, people can tell if you’re passionate about your work by your performance.

Life is too short to be spending big chunks of it doing something you’re not passionate about.

If you don’t love what you’re doing, we can tell.

I suspect that just about everybody alive would prefer to be doing something they love. Not something unrealistic in which there are no problems and no headaches. (Those occupations don’t exist.) But something they are good at, something that makes them happy and makes a difference. Something in which hard work barely seems like work at all.

Everybody should be doing what they love. Unfortunately, not enough people are.

Are you?

I hope so. If not, I really hope you’re at least working toward it.

Otherwise, what the hell are you waiting for?

The photo above is not some Photoshop trick. It’s a real shot of me responding to a damsel in distress whom I heard with my super hearing.

(Actually it’s the result of dozens and dozens of violent leaps onto the bed hoping my camera and his self-timer with continuous shots feature would capture something cool. We almost lost Kim’s bedside lamp and days later, my neck and back still hurt, but it was totally worth it.)

So I am two weeks in to the online photography course I signed up for, and am having a good time. I think the fact that it cost some money has helped to spur me into action. That combined with the inspiration and encouragement from the other participants has really provided the accountability I’ve been looking for.

One thing I’ve learned (re-learned?) so far is that starting is the hardest part. When the vision of what you want to accomplish is so grand, such as forming a new habit or amassing a portfolio of kick butt photos, it can be really intimidating to take that first step. But once you take it, you start building momentum and it becomes easier. And more fun.

The biggest thing that I’ve become reacquainted with is the power of play. Many of the prompts we’ve been given have been of a playful nature, such as “a riot of color”…

…”Someone with a cape” (I came up with two)…

…and “laughter”…

My best shots so far have been the result of just playing around with the camera. The first week, the instructor (aka the amazing Andrea Scher) encouraged us to try shooting things without even looking through the viewfinder. That was weird at first, but incredibly freeing! And it allowed me to get this shot of upside down leftovers in the fridge I never would have gotten otherwise:

It seems that photography is like art and most things in life: Greatness comes not when you’re trying to create something great, but when you’re goofing off.

I knew I might be trying too hard after I snapped this one of Lucy. Did I get this by successfully coaching her to deliver the perfect expression? Had I been working hard to manipulate the light to produce such warm soft highlights?

No.

I shot this without looking through the viewfinder with the camera on automatic “P” mode while I was trying to get a breathtaking shot of…gum balls.

I’ll say it again: Greatness comes not when you’re trying to create something great, but when you’re goofing off.

Another case in point is this one I shot just last night after Lucy was finished with her bath. (Hat tip to Kim for suggesting this as a possible subject):

The neat thing about this is that it was totally spontaneous. And it was probably the 22nd of the 30 shots I took. While importing them into my computer, I noticed the first shot was pretty boring. So was the second. And the third. But once I stopped looking through the viewfinder and started holding the camera at an angle and perilously close to the surface of the water, I got something pretty great.

It made me think of my experience doing comic strips or logo designs or greeting card verses, and how the best ideas are hardly ever the first ones.

Once again, another lesson that bleeds beyond the field of art.

In our fast-paced, instant gratification culture, too often we’re searching for good enough, and settle for the first decent idea that solves the problem at hand. Whether you’re in a brainstorming meeting at work or huddling with your husband trying to figure out a way you can stay home with the kids AND bring in a bit of side income, it’s when we push past the obvious ideas — and start having some fun — that we get to the solutions that are truly great.

Oh how unfortunate it is for us — and yet deliciously satisfying for Adultitis — that we routinely underestimate the power of play.

I’ve never seen an adult eat a doughnut like this.

Clearly, she doesn’t know the proper way to eat a doughnut. Yet. One more thing we’re gonna have to teach her, I thought as I snapped this photo.

Funny thing, though.

The doughnut police didn’t break down the doors and take away her doughnut eating license for “doing it wrong.”

Sometimes I ask the audiences I speak to for examples of rules they live by that don’t actually exist. I’ve never had anyone raise their hand and say, “You know, I don’t know why I do it, but I always eat the whole doughnut even though sometimes I really just want to eat the frosting and sprinkles.”

Instead, I oftentimes just get silence. People have trouble coming up with rules that don’t exist. That’s because we don’t even know we’re living by them; they’re hard-wired in to the minutia of our everyday life.

Lucy’s doughnut makes me think that the actual number of these rules might be well into the millions.

Will you notice any today in your life?

My biggest problem was deciding where to eat.

In my family, stories about my early childhood fits of indecision are legendary. My mom is fond of telling them. She’d warn people against giving me choices, for if faced with but a “simple” decision between vanilla ice cream or chocolate, tears would eventually follow.

I like to think I’ve gotten better, but when it came to these food carts, it took me a long, long time to make up my mind.

However, there was one place, after having read about it in a travel guide, I knew I wanted to try: The Grilled Cheese Grill. This is an un adulterated Adultitis Hospital, people!

As you might have guessed, they specialize in grilled cheese sandwiches. Here’s a blurb from their menu about what makes them special:

So other than it being amazingly delicious, why come to us? Why not stay home and make a Grilled Cheese? We all know how to make it; just cheese, bread, and butter. It’s probably the first thing any of us learned to cook when we were kids. Well here are 4 reasons why you want to come to us:

1. With a full menu of cheeses, breads, and other good stuff, we make sandwiches that range from Saturday morning cartoon worthy, all the way up to Jeopardy-level sophisticated. We’re just that versatile.

2. It’s an anecdotally-proven fact that food always tastes better when somebody else makes it, and usually even better if Mom made it. Well if you can’t get your mom to make you a grilled cheese right now, we’ll be your mom. A couple of bearded dudes in a food cart will be your mom.

3. You know you don’t feel like cooking anyway.

4. You probably don’t have a converted school bus or double decker bus at your house as a dining room. Conveniently, we do.

So come by for a taste of your childhood. Unless your childhood sucked, and then we’ll let ya have a taste of ours.

Sign me up.

While all the food carts we had a chance to sample — too many carts, too little time! — we’re great, The Grilled Cheese Grill stood out in taste, ambiance, and Adultitis-fighting power.

That was the question at the heart of the first ever World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon, at which Kim and I were able to attend and present. Afterwards, we stayed and played for a few extra days with Lucy and our two best friends.

The conference itself, put on by Chris Guillebeau and his amazing team, was, as another attendee put it, a “heart attack of awesome.” Probably the best conference I’ve ever been to. There’s just nothing like being around 500 people who are intent on changing the world and have no regard for the rules that don’t exist. I’m still processing the life-changing lessons and ideas, and I have a feeling I will be for some time.

Some upcoming posts will be on this theme, and I’ll be sharing a series of some of the most mind-blowing things I learned in the Insider newsletter (so be sure you’re signed up!), but for now I thought it would be fun to share a few photos and highlights of our experience in the Pacific Northwest.

Photo Credit: The first two are from Armosa Studios. The rest are by me.

I’ve never done anything like this before. It’s six weeks long and I don’t know what to expect and I’m afraid I might have just plunked down seventy-four dollars on something I might not follow though on or get much out of and will I be the only guy (I’m pretty sure I’ll be the only guy) and do I even have the time for this anyway?

Stupid inner voices. Even though it looked really cool, I almost didn’t sign up.

But you know what?

I’m tired of always wanting to have more fun with my new fancy schmancy digital SLR camera and imagining all the killer photos I’d shoot — and then not doing it.

A good friend of mine likes to say, “Talking about writing is not writing. Only writing is writing.”

I guess that’s also true of photography. Or art. Or traveling. Or cooking. Or gardening. Or doing more fun things with your family.

Or whatever it is you’re always wanting to do (but not actually doing).

So I’m going for it. Perhaps the accountability is just what I need.

And summer seems like as good a time as any for experiments in doing something you’ve always wanted to do.