Everyone had a plain sugar cookie on a plate in front of them. Each table was stocked with white frosting, food coloring, and an array of cool sprinkles in various shapes and colors.

I gave them one instruction: Decorate your cookie as ugly as possible.

And just to make it clear, I added, “Your goal is to make Martha Stewart weep!”

This was during a presentation for a group in Ohio after I had shared my almost famous Ugly Cookie story. We had the luxury of time, and the meeting planners were up for doing one of my favorite group activities. 

It’s funny how one simple objective – decorate your cookie as ugly as possible – can unleash the inner child in some people while paralyzing others. And it’s remarkable how many lessons can be learned in one, simple, seemingly frivolous activity.

After the sprinkles had settled and bowls of frosting the color of a full baby diaper were exhausted, we unpacked some great insights together.

Eventually, one woman showed off her finished cookie, which was not ugly in the least. She declared that she was going to make it pretty from the start. She labeled my direction a “#notarule,” a clever callback from an earlier point I made about rules we follow that don’t actually exist.

At that moment, perhaps flattered by her quoting me, I applauded her aplomb. (Not sure I’ve ever used that word before, but it fits. Let’s see if I can do it again before we’re done here.)

I used it as an opportunity to share a great way to determine if something we’re about to do is a rule that doesn’t exist. Simply ask, “Or else what?” 

Most of us treat rules that don’t exist as brick walls. But the moment we ask where the so-called rule comes from or what’ll happen to us if we were to break it, its power crumbles. Generally speaking, It’s a “real” rule if the punishment for disobedience is death, jail time, or termination from our job. But if the only real answer you get after asking, “Or else what?” is the possibility of a little shame, embarrassment, or a risk of failure, congratulations! You’ve just unmasked a “#notarule.”

In the activity, most people followed my “rule” (decorate your cookie as ugly as possible), which implored them to break a different “rule” (that cookies are supposed to be decorated attractively).

This woman decided to break my rule, choosing instead to follow the original rule. 

Clearly, I didn’t have any power to fire her. I could’ve tried to shame her, I suppose, for not following the instructions. But in the end, nothing terrible was going to befall her for making the cookie pretty instead. In fact, she got praised for it.

Later, I had a different thought. Noting that some people legitimately had a difficult time going against their programming that cookies should be decorated beautifully, I wondered if this woman had merely found a clever way to hide.

Perhaps the process was too uncomfortable for her, or she was afraid that her cookie wouldn’t be “ugly” enough, or she was worried she’d be judged for “doing it wrong.” 

So maybe she just rationalized a reason why it was better to stay in her comfort zone. Maybe she missed a golden opportunity to acknowledge that this was a safe place to wander beyond it and learn something valuable in the process. 

I don’t know. Only she knows the truth.

The truth can be uncomfortable, and we are very clever at finding ways to hide from it. We are rationalization machines, regularly making emotional decisions we later rationalize with reason. Emotional decisions that are often rooted in fear.

We are good at fooling others and sometimes we can even fool ourselves. However, life doesn’t get better and progress isn’t made unless we are brutally honest with ourselves. 

Truth is undefeated.

We can use “or else what?” as a lie detector to help us identify rules that don’t exist.

But identifying a rule that doesn’t exist is not enough.

Real freedom comes when you stop hiding and summon the aplomb (YES!) to actually break it.

Rules that don’t exist could be regarded as lies, because sometimes they are.

Thou shalt hate Monday.
Thou shalt wait thirty minutes to swim after eating.
Thou shalt not celebrate without thine calendar’s permission.

Lies, all lies.

In the art world there is a rule that states, “Thou shalt stick to one style.” In order to find success as an artist, the thinking goes, you should stick to one identifiable visual style. That’s because you can get more traction, more quickly, if it’s easier for people to remember you and recognize your work. 

As a rule, it’s true. 

But just because a rule is true doesn’t mean you have to follow it.

Consider Ed Emberley. I loved his drawing books growing up and constantly borrowed them from the library when I was a kid. With his alphabet of simple marks, you could draw animals and monsters and entire cities and worlds. It was only as an adult that I realized he was a real guy. I always wondered if Ed Emberley was a made-up name, like Betty Crocker or Uncle Ben or or Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. (Fun fact: that last one’s real.)

While browsing the gift shop at the Art Institute of Chicago, I stumbled upon a retrospective of Ed’s career. As I dug into it, I was surprised to see that he had tons of different styles. Besides the well-known drawing books, he also made woodcuts and dabbled in a variety of other methods that looked like they were made by completely different artists.

Turns out that Ed saw himself more as a bookmaker than an artist. Ed created the art he felt the book called for. And perhaps even more importantly, he craved variety. Ed pointed to Charles Schulz, who achieved undeniable success, saying, “He did wonderful work till the day he died. His work was perfect. But for me, I could not draw Charlie Brown 8,000 times. I just couldn’t do it.”

Was Ed wrong? I don’t know. He has sold millions of books in his career, so it seems like he made an ok choice. And Picasso also made a pretty good name for himself despite changing styles regularly throughout his career.

Of course, this isn’t only relevant to artists. There are lots of right ways to catch a fish. Market a product. Give a presentation. Take a vacation. Teach sewing. Learn a language. Throw a party. Educate a child. 

Don’t let anyone convince you that one right way of doing something makes it a rule.

Who knows? Maybe Ed would have been more successful if he stuck to one style. Maybe he would have sold a million more books. 

Or maybe he would have just been more miserable. 

Sometimes the opposite of a right way is right, too.

Hello, graduate. Congratulations on your accomplishments and a job well done!

Now for the fun part.

You’ve made it this far by following directions, filling in little circles, asking for permission, standing in line, and raising your hand before speaking up. The instructions have been clear: do this (take these classes, write this paper, complete this assignment) and get this (pass the course, earn a recommendation, receive a degree.)

You got to this point by following the rules. Now that you’ve graduated, it’s time to start breaking some.

Make no mistake, the work is not over. In fact, it’s only just beginning. If you continue looking for rules to follow — old habits die hard, after all — you will find them. You will be expected to be “realistic,” urged to find a job with good benefits, and encouraged to keep your inbox at zero. You’ll be handed a definition of success that puts an inordinate amount of emphasis on things that can be measured.

Follow these rules and you will most certainly succeed.

At being ordinary.

But, dear graduate, you were made for more than that. We desperately need you to be extraordinary. I know it doesn’t seem like it, because the examples of people doing it are few and far between. That’s mostly because it’s hard.

Paint-by-numbers are easy. But they don’t hang paint-by-numbers in the Louvre.

The rules you followed to this point will no longer serve you. If you want to make a difference in the world and be truly happy in life, you must follow your own way, and that includes leaving a few rules in your wake, broken and abandoned.

I’m not speaking of speed limits and tax laws, a few of the rules that DO exist and carry real consequences for breaking them. You’ll need to identify the ones that DON’T exist and disregard them like it’s your job.

Because it is.

It will help if you can keep close the five-year-old that still lives within you. It will not take long to realize that being an adult is not all it was cracked up to be. But Adulthood does have its perks, not the least of which is that now, finally, YOU are the boss of you. Life is a choose-your-own-adventure. That’s right: the choices are finally yours. Don’t abdicate this power to anyone else.

So listen to your inner child reminding you that it’s ok to eat dessert first once in a while, jump in puddles, and flaunt your weirdness.

It may be hard to believe, you don’t have to hate Mondays.
 
You don’t have to rely on your calendar to decide what days are worth celebrating.

And for the love of penguins, please don’t fall into the trap of being realistic.

My wish for you, dear friend, is the same one I have for my own children: a life filled with magic, meaning, love, and wonder.

Blessed are the rulebreakers. They shalt inherit the Future.

You’ve got this.

P.S. Penguins Can’t Fly is an excellent primer on the most prevalent rules that don’t exist. It’s designed to foster the curiosity needed to get better at spotting them in your own life, and provide the courage to break them with style and grace. (It also makes a perfect gift for graduates and anyone else interested in taking their story to new heights.)

The most unusual “rule” I’ve ever heard came from a lady in Fairbanks, Alaska.

I’d asked for examples of rules that don’t exist, and this woman stood up and matter-of-factly declared, “How about the one where you can’t bring bananas with you on the fishing boat!”

Her delivery was as if she’d just told us that glaciers are cold and made of ice.

The blank, quizzical looks of the other attendees gave way to a roomful of raucous laughter.

Unfazed, she assured us, “But I tried it and it’s totally fine.”

Now, hearing about this crippling restriction for the first time and then learning that there was no reason to panic—all in the span of sixteen seconds—was as dizzying as you might imagine.

What fascinated me was that in her mind, everyone was familiar with this rule. Which is kind of how the rules work sometimes.

We all come from different backgrounds and cultures with different customs. Everyone grows up with families that do things a certain way. Often, the first time we get a clue that maybe not everyone does it the same is when we’re introduced to the family of someone we’re in a serious relationship with. I remember it being strange that Kim’s family always ate their breakfast sausage with mustard. Meanwhile, they thought it was strange that I thought it was strange. Now I think it’s strange when a waitress thinks I’m strange for asking for mustard when I order breakfast sausage.

Sometimes these rules can trick us into thinking they’re universal, eternal, and ironclad, when in fact, the way you’ve always done it isn’t necessarily the way everyone else has always done it.

Turns out this banana issue is a real thing among sport fisherman, who are notoriously superstitious and consider them bad luck. According to snopes.com, which classifies it as a legend, there is no clear reason why this rule came to be (although there are multiple possible—and hilarious—explanations). Some in the business ban anything banana-related, including banana muffins, Banana Boat sunscreen, or Fruit of the Loom underwear, even though, curiously, the clothier’s logo doesn’t even contain a banana in it.

The good news is that this brave woman from Fairbanks confirmed that this rule is completely bogus, which means we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

And focus our attention on not whistling on board, leaving port on Sunday, and getting virgins to pee on our nets for good luck.

This is a tiny hippo in a bowl of Froot Loops. Or is it a normal-sized hippo in a giant bowl of Froot Loops?

I don’t remember.

Either way, it’s preposterous.

Most serious people don’t have time for the preposterous. They have much more important things to concern themselves with. Of course, there’s a good chance that these people are also riddled with Adultitis, make terrible leaders, and will never change the world.

Consider the smartphone. It is a device on which you can look up any fact in the world or talk to your friend on the other side of the planet via video. And you can use it to order a hundred melon ballers that will arrive at your door by tomorrow. Just think of all the elements at play that make this thing work: microchips. The internet. Wi-Fi. Facial recognition. Speech recognition. Rechargeable battery. Unbreakable glass. (Oh, wait…)

Now, imagine having to explain all this stuff to your great-grandparents.

Preposterous!

For those of you old enough to remember TV shows from the twentieth century, it’s something out of The Jetsons or Star Trek. But now it’s just an ordinary, normal thing.

Okay, now let’s compare this to a pocket calculator. The calculator seems simple by comparison, right?

What if I told you that the first handheld pocket calculator would not be invented until five years AFTER President John F. Kennedy declared, in 1961, that America would send a man to the moon by the end of the decade?

Preposterous!

Now let’s look at some of the challenges you might be dealing with.

• Finding a better job.
• Paying off that credit card.
• Landing that account.
• Finishing your degree.
• Potty-training your kid.

Do any of these issues seem all that hard by contrast?

Will success require creativity? Hard work? Sacrifice? Teamwork? Of course. But let’s not label it as preposterous. It’s amazing how many things that started out as preposterous eventually become rather obvious.

Remember, there once was a time when a stapler was a fancy piece of office equipment.

If you’ve been following along for a while here, you know that I am a big proponent of breaking rules (particularly the ones that don’t exist.) What might surprise you is that I am equally cool with creating them, too, as long as you’re clear on the reason.

I want to share with you one of the most liberating concepts I’ve come across, and believe it or not, it involves making and abiding by strict rules.

It’s the idea of creating personal policies.

You’re well aware of how big companies devise all kinds of policies to protect their interests. You’ve heard it dozens of times: “I’m sorry ma’am, that’s not our policy,” or “Sorry sir, our policy clearly states…” As frustrating and ridiculous as some of these policies can be, you know that there’s not much you can do about them. They’re usually written by lawyers and backed up by loads of bureaucracy.

If you’ve ever arrived at your departure gate at the airport fifteen seconds after they’ve closed the door, you know their policy of not re-opening it for any reason is iron clad. You’re not getting on that airplane.

The cool thing is that we can dream up our own personal policies, and just like with the big companies, the people in our life will accept them (even if they don’t understand or like them.)

For instance, we recently instituted a personal policy for family vacations. Due to the nature of our business, we know a lot of people scattered all over the country. Anytime they hear that we’re in their neck of the woods, they want to get together with us. Which is flattering and much-appreciated, except that if we always said yes, we’d never actually spend any family time on our family vacation! So now, when someone asks to get together, we share that our personal policy is that when we take a family vacation, the time is reserved just for family.

This accomplishes several things:

1. It prevents us from having to choose which requests we could reasonably handle, keeping us from having to disappoint someone.
2. It gives us a gracious way to say no.
3. Most importantly, it keeps our schedule clear for the reason we’re taking the trip in the first place.

Keep in mind that we are a family of introverts. Other families might want to spend a lot of time meeting up with people they don’t see very often. I know some speakers who always try to find a colleague to have coffee with at every city they visit. That’s cool, too. That’s why they’re called personal policies.

The beauty of this approach is that just like with big companies, people don’t usually squabble with policy. It’s a policy after all, and people tend to respect them.

I originally heard about this idea from Sarah von Bargen of Yes and Yes, and I just loved it. Some of my favorite examples she gave that you might want to borrow:

• I have a personal policy of never loaning money to friends.
• I have a personal policy against riding with a driver who’s had more than two drinks.
• I have a personal policy to buy Combos on any car ride that’s longer than 2 hours.
• I have a personal policy that I buy gumballs anytime I encounter a gumball machine and have the requisite quarter.

As you can see, your personal policies can fall anywhere on the spectrum from fun to serious.

Sarah points out that establishing personal policies minimizes feelings of guilt, creates certainty by removing wiggle room we may not want or need, and that people tend to respect policies more than preferences or requests.

Kim and I have been doing this for years with our adherence to a Sabbath. Once a week, we set aside one day that is free from chores, errands, or outside commitments of any kind. It’s been non-negotiable and I credit it as the single greatest contributor to the health and sanity of our family.

The new wrinkle is referring to it as a personal policy, which for reasons outlined above, takes things to a whole new level.

Rules aren’t inherently bad. They can create structure out of chaos, and they can free our brains up to focus on more important things. The best ones serve us by creating more freedom rather than taking it away.

So consider this permission to go ahead and start adding more rules to your life. After all, if you’re going to follow rules, they might as well be your own.

Sounds like a pretty good policy to me.

I’ve been married for almost 18 years. Every single night that I’m at home, I sleep on the right side of the bed. Why? How did that come about? I don’t ever remember having a discussion about it with Kim, and yet, here we are; our assigned spots have not changed since the day we got hitched.

Weird.

Why do we do any of the things we do?

The little habits that make up our days, where did they come from?

Which way do you take to work? How do you typically run your meetings? On-board new employees? Welcome new customers? Deal with angry ones? What’s the first thing you do when you get out of bed in the morning? How do you acknowledge the birthdays of the special people in your life? What kind of cookies do you make for Christmas?

We have too many things to think about and process in a given day, so we help ourselves out by putting a lot of the routine stuff on autopilot. The problem is that we rarely re-evaluate these routines and how they got started in the first place. Is our original thinking outdated? Is there new way of doing things that could be more efficient? More useful? More fun? Would we be better served to eliminate the routine altogether?

I wonder what would happen if you and your sweetie switched sides for a night?

Wait, never mind. Too dangerous. The fragile balance of your relationship and the whole space-time continuum might be thrown completely out of whack.

Perhaps this is one of those rules you’re better off obeying.

Or not.

I was thinking about the American Revolutionary War the other day (because I like keeping up on current events), and a few things struck me.

I imagine it would have been easy for the American colonists to look at all the advantages held by the British and wallow in the land of “Must Be Nice”…

They have the most powerful navy in the whole world…must be nice.

They have way more professionally trained soldiers than we do…must be nice.

They have a ton of money to buy food, supplies, and mercenaries for hire…must be nice.

They have sweet red road uniforms…must be nice.

It’s easy to lament the advantages other people enjoy and languish in envy and disappointment. This only serves to assure defeat. The truth is, everyone has a must be nice (probably several), and we are better served spending our time figuring out what they are and using them to our full advantage.

That’s exactly what those American revolutionaries did.

They had home field advantage and benefited from their intimate knowledge of the nooks and crannies of the terrain. Many of the “untrained” soldiers were pretty good marksmen, thanks to all their practice hunting small prey. And the biggest “must be nice” of all may have been that they were fighting for freedom and a better life for their families, while the British were merely doing their job.

In fact, this desire and passion helped give the Americans the will to identify rules that didn’t exist, and the courage to break them.

For instance, the British employed traditonal firing line methods which they were hesitant to abandon (hey, it worked for 100 years!). The problem was it made them easy picking for snipers with long rifles who were hidden behind trees. And although the British held fast to the rule “thou shalt not shoot officers,” the Americans determined this was one big fat #notarule and created confusion and weakness when they singled them out as the primary target.

I’d wager those fancy red coats made them easier to spot.

Here are two lessons that might be useful to consider in your life, family or organization.

First, just because something worked for a century doesn’t guarantee its success this year. The rules of yesterday can lead to ruin today.

Secondly, don’t waste any time whining about someone else’s must be nice that you wish you had.

Figure out yours and get to work.

[ This is a guest post about some rules that don’t exist from our good friend and professional speaker, Laurie Guest. ]

Kim and Jason have coined a phrase that speaks directly to my heart. The phrase is #notarule, and it challenges adults to look for ways to fight Adultitis, a disease that causes stress and decreases fun.

Jason wrote a book called Penguins Can’t Fly +39 Other Rules That Don’t Exist. He invited others to submit suggestions for #notarule, and I had been on the lookout for a good example. I wanted to be included in the book, but unfortunately, I never found a worthy submission and lost my chance.

So imagine my surprise last month when a most unique #notarule presented itself to me. While waiting to meet a friend for lunch, I was sitting in my car with the windows rolled down, the sun shining on my face, and a cool breeze flowing through the vehicle. A light gray Ford pulled up next to me facing in the opposite direction so our driver sides were next to each other. I looked up and saw a man’s grinning face as the car slowly rolled past me. In his back seat was a huge stuffed dog with the head plastered up against the window. Of course, I did a double take, and the driver (I later learned his name was Pete) rolled down his window and said, “There is no rule that says the dog has to be real!”

Now, I am not making this up. I am not embellishing a story to get Jason’s attention. Those were Pete’s exact words. Breaking into hysterical laughter, I asked him to tell me about this dog. I think he was a little surprised to find someone with sincere interest in his quirky ways, so he jammed the car in park and explained, “You see, I’m an old man living alone, and I am determined to live a happy life. It is such a shame so many people are mad, grumpy and nasty all the time, don’t you think?”

I shook my head in agreement.

“I decided I’d put my dog back here to make people smile, just like you did when I pulled up.”

“What’s your dog’s name?” I inquired.

He replied, “His name is Whoop as in ‘whoop your ass’.” Another round of belly laughter followed from me.

Now it was his turn to ask me a few questions. “What are you doing just sitting here?”
“Well, Pete, I’m a professional speaker in town to give a presentation. I got here a little early, and I am enjoying the weather and thinking to myself how lucky I am to be living the life I want. I’m loved, I’m happy, and I’m blessed.”

“Is that what you speak about?” he asked.

“No, generally I just try and make people laugh which actually is not much different than what you and Woop are doing really.” I told him about the #notarule movement that my friends have started and that sooner or later he would be the topic of a blog and likely a moment in my speech that same day.

“Now, isn’t that somethin’. You’re gonna talk about me today?”

“Yes, Pete, I am!” I said with a giant smile.

And with that, he rolled on out of the lot with a quick “toot toot” of the horn. I got two lessons from Pete and Whoop that day.

Pets have to be real. #notarule

An older adult can’t act like a kid with spirit. #notarule.

Through more laughter, I realize that this was not only the highlight of my day but a great story I could not wait to share with Jason and Kim.

Keith Davison lost his wife Evy to cancer after a marriage of 66 years. He admitted that he cried a lot. And the peace and quiet eventually became too overbearing.

So get this: The 94-year-old installed an in-ground pool in his backyard. With a diving board. And invited the neighborhood kids to jump in. Now his home is bustling with activity as his newly adopted “grandkids” bring life and laughter into it. He admits it didn’t make economic sense to install the pool. But who can put a price tag on joy?

Ninety-four-year-olds shalt not install a pool in thy backyard. #notarule

If you’re reading this, I don’t care if you are 24 or 44 or 74, you may consider yourself to be too old to enjoy, do, or attempt certain things. At least that’s what Adultitis wants you to believe.

I love stories like this, because they call out Adultitis’ lies, its ridiculous rules that don’t exist, and remind me of what’s possible. The truth is, you’re never too old to play with Lego bricks, learn how to play the cello, or add a pool to your property.

There were probably many “reasons” Mr. Davison shouldn’t have installed the pool, but now that he did, none of them matter. His actions called out Adultitis and they’re calling out you.

Now that you’ve heard about this bold Adultitis Fighter, what does this make possible for you?

Fun is a healer. Fun is timeless. Fun never asks how old you are.

This one’s for the ladies.

Full disclosure: At last check, I am not a woman. So I cannot claim to be an expert in the things women go through. But one thing I am sympathetic to is all of the messages bombarding you about your appearance. I mean guys have the pressure to maintain six-pack abs (I’m one sixth of the way there!), but it’s nothing compared to the onslaught you face on a daily basis.

Let’s take wrinkles, which are supposedly The Devil.

Apparently they are something to be avoided at all costs.

My wife has told me horror stories of going to parties at friends’ homes in which she was fearfully warned about such evils as forehead rows, crow’s feet and turkey necks. Honestly, I’m not sure how they get away with calling these get-togethers “parties.” Naturally, some sort of high-priced miracle balm is revealed that claims to have the power to prevent wrinkles, slow down the aging process, and stop global warming all in one fell swoop.

Now I don’t doubt the ability of these wonder creams to conceal wrinkles. I have seen the before and after photos, and as everyone knows, such photos don’t lie. I’m just not sure they truly prevent anything. Prolong the inevitable? Perhaps. Prevent? No.

No one ever died at the age of one hundred looking like a nineteen-year-old.

Meanwhile, the attempts to be the first woman who does have been disastrous. We’ve all seen the botox-injected, filler-filled, face-lift-fueled celebrities who have gone down this road with unfortunate results. Let’s face it: The sixty-year-old ladies trying to look thirty, don’t. They look creepy. They make the clown from the Stephen King classic It afraid of clowns.

And ultimately, they’re not fooling anyone. Instead, they are a sad reminder to everyone that they used to be young and are trying their damnedest to avoid getting old.

But you know what? The women who embrace who they are and own the season of life they are in are incredibly sexy.

Confidence is sexier than any cream. But confidence comes from within, not from a container or a syringe.

My wife has more so-called crow’s feet than most women I know who are her age. She also smiles way more than most women I know. And her smiles are actually real, not the permanent kind that comes from an overeager facelift.

Our bodies age. There’s nothing we can do to stop that. But the energetic childlike spirit that resides in each and every one of us? That never gets old.

For what it’s worth, please, please, PLEASE ignore the pitches from the people who would have you believe that you aren’t already beautiful.

That deep love for fun, the sparkle in your eye, the hint of mischief … that my dear, is true beauty.

I recently had the great pleasure of being featured on Jeffrey Shaw’s Creative Warriors podcast. It was one of the best interviews I’ve been a part of, mainly because Jeffrey was so well-prepared. Since he’d read my book, Penguins Can’t Fly +39 Other Rules That Don’t Exist, he came armed with some great questions and we were able to go much deeper, more quickly than usual. I think you’ll find it to be a worthwhile listen. Among other things, we discussed…

• Where the rules that don’t exist come from,
• The danger in being realistic,
• Why you might not want to wear clean underpants,
• Where we got this idea that you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day,
• Whether or not you should make your bed,
• The big difference between kids and adults when it comes to water,
• And why being careful is the most risky thing you can do.

Listen here!

It’s been almost two years since Penguins Can’t Fly was published. It features forty of the most common rules that don’t exist, but with each passing day, I am even more convinced that there are more like forty million, keeping us enslaved to Adultitis without us even noticing. A few weeks ago, I asked Escape Adulthood Insiders to share some of the so-called rules they most love breaking. I got so many good ones!

This week, I wanted to play mild-mannered reporter and pass along a few of my favorites, because I they are great reminders for everyone.

Thou shalt only observe morning once a day. (Melissa LeFever)
“Why can’t we start the day over whenever we need? Sometimes we need a couple chances in a day to get it right. I learned to break this rule when I had my worst parenting day ever. I told my daughter that the day started over after nap because we both needed a new start. It worked. We started with a fresh plate and fresh attitude. Sometimes we need discipline and sometimes we need grace.”

Thou shalt not use all of your vacation time. (Heather Holm)
“My office has this unwritten rule that we don’t use vacation time – even though they give a lot of time to us. So this morning I booked a flight to London for this summer and a second flight to the East Coast for fall! No way am I going to lose vacations days because the boss lives at work.”

Thou shalt decide for thyself what thou shalt eat at a restaurant (Ed Marks)
“While traveling and trying to support some of the local businesses, I’ve sometimes just told the waiter or waitress, ‘Surprise me with what you or the chef think I’d like.’ Many times it throws them off a bit but when I assure them I’m serious, I normally end up with something really, really good. On a couple of occasions it’s been something not even in the menu, which is fun. It allows me to be surprised and also lets the restaurant have some fun and be a little out of the ordinary.”

Thou shalt give your real name when waiting for a table at a restaurant. (Aimee Inman)
“My favorite rule that doesn’t exist is giving the hostess at a restaurant your real name for the wait list. Ever since my daughter was born, my husband and I use her name. Now that she’s 4, she thinks it’s so cool and special when her name gets called. She then leads the parade to the table. I think I might let her pick what name we use the next time just to see what she comes up with!”

Thou shalt not blow your straw wrapper at a fellow diner. (Leanne Rohn)
‘Nuff said.

Which of these “rules” are YOU going to break this week?

We are inundated with rules that don’t exist. Not speed limits and tax laws, but the seemingly invisible norms, assumptions, and superstitions that we follow (often subconsciously) and which drive our lives. The more I write and talk about them, the more I uncover. And there is no shortage in the realm of education.

My wife Kim and I homeschool. In the grand scheme of things, we’re in the shallow end of the pool; the oldest of our three children is only seven. But these past several years may have been the most important of all, because we’ve had to un-learn pretty much everything we knew about education. It was especially challenging for Kim, who is a former kindergarten teacher. After a five year career, it’s taken at least that long to slowly purge all of the things she kept from her classroom because, frankly, we don’t need them.

We have a really good foundation beneath us, because we’ve taken the time to identify, and consequently ignore, several rules that don’t exist. Here are a few we’ve had to break so far.

1) Thy children need a teacher in order to learn.
Kids are natural learners. They don’t need to be taught anything, except maybe how to find answers. But their passions and natural curiosity will drive them, if you are willing to get out of the way. Which, of course, schools are not set up to do. Although Kim was “trained” as a teacher, most days it’s more of a hindrance than a help.

We have tried to see ourselves more as “coaches,” rather than “teachers.” Perhaps it’s semantics, but we think of a good coach as someone who observes, asks questions, and helps facilitate progress by creating situations and environments specifically tailored to the individual. That includes paying attention to a child’s interests and watching closely for the things they show a proclivity for. And then strewing things about that might take them to a new level. Or taking them on a field trip. Checking out some books from the library. Connecting them with a mentor. Or suggesting a few tips to help them solve a problem. It takes a lot of faith and trust to take on this role, but if you do, it won’t be long before you’re learning amazing things from them.

2) Thy children need curriculum in order to learn.
Curriculum companies make a lot of money, which does not necessarily make them bad, but it doesn’t make them necessary either. When we were first exploring the idea of homeschooling, Kim and I expected that we’d have to buy some sort of curriculum, in order to shore up the areas where we were weak. (We had not fully discarded rule #1 yet.)

We’ve been to a number of homeschooling conferences, and I have noticed a trend in many families that has also played out in ours. At first, a curriculum is a security blanket. It gives you the peace of mind to homeschool because it feels like a set of instructions. Follow them and you don’t have to worry as much about messing your kids up. But eventually, curriculum gets in the way. It takes away freedom (which I think is the best part of homeschooling) by introducing rigidity, setting arbitrary milestones that stress you out if your kids don’t meet them in time, and inducing guilt if you don’t keep pace with the prescribed timeline.

Most families I see who have been homeschooling for a while often start with curriculum of some sort. Then, after experiencing various degrees of frustration, they use it less and less, until oftentimes, it is disregarded altogether.

Although a somewhat clumsy phrase, it would be fairly accurate to describe what Kim and I do as “unschooling,” which is a method of homeschooling that is largely self-directed. Which, as Clark Aldrich points out in his book, Unschooling Rules, is exactly what everyone does most of the time throughout their life:

“When a doctor finds a rarely seen condition in a patient, she does not sign up for a class that covers the material, but will run for 6 weeks and start the following semester.”

Indeed, adults don’t need prescribed curriculum to learn new things. Kids don’t either.

3) Thy children shalt know certain things by certain ages, or there is something wrong with them.
As good, cute, new homeschooling parents, Kim and I bought the classic book, “What Your Kindergartner Needs to Know.” It felt important to have a yardstick to measure our progress. My first concern was discovering things in the book that I didn’t even know. It wasn’t long before the book took a one-way trip to the recycling bin.

Babies don’t learn to crawl, walk and talk at the exact same time. According to Parents.com, “most kids start taking their first steps between 11 and 15 months, but this milestone is hugely variable, and anywhere from 9 to 18 months is really considered normal.” Most people understand that there is a range here. What perplexes me is that as soon as we put them in school, we suddenly expect children to develop at the same rates. Heaven help the child who is not reading by the end of kindergarten. Even if he is uncommonly advanced in math, there will be much wringing of hands, and he’s likely to be labeled as learning disabled before he enters first grade.

I find it fascinating that we put so much emphasis on what our kindergartner, third grader, or sixth grader “needs” to know, and yet you will not find any books called, “What Your Thirty-Nine-Year-Old Needs to Know.” Do I really care if my dentist has read and understands “Taming of the Shrew?” If, after a certain point (usually high school), we don’t really care what a person knows, why do we ever?

Yes, I know there are certain developmental red flags that are important to pay attention to. But let’s chill out on the artificial timeline. There is a rule of thumb I have instituted for myself, that although borders on ridiculous, actually keeps me from acting as such. If my daughter is having a hard time letting go of her pacifier, or my son seems to be too old to be carefully backing off of a curb on his hands and knees, I ask myself, “Is it likely that they will still be having this issue when they go off to college?” The answer, of course, is always “no.” It helps paint a ridiculous picture in my imagination, which in turn reminds me how ridiculous it is to force our children to develop according to arbitrary schedules.

4) Politicians know what’s best for thy children.
Of course, the controversy du jour is Common Core. But this is only the latest in a long line of legislation made up by politicians about what is best for our children. There are usually many reasons these legislations come to be, but sadly, “what’s best for our children” is not often at the top of the list. As a case in point, any early childhood education professional worth his or her salt will tell you that the most important thing to the development of young children is play. In 1895, Friedrich Froebel, the father of kindergarten, said, “Children must master the language of things before they master the language of words.” He said it 120 years ago, but it’s still true today. The way to learn about things is through experiential play, and it is a time consuming process that cannot be hurried. And yet recess and free play is the very thing that is being eliminated from kindergarten classrooms across the country, in favor of more structured activities in a race for higher test scores.

If politicians really cared what’s best for our kids, they might be a little more interested in making sure they’re not saddled with such astronomical debt. Politicians are notorious for making short-sided, politically expedient decisions in all kinds of matters. It hardly makes sense to assume they’d make an exception when it comes to education.

5) Thy will kill thine offspring if forced to spend every single day with them.
I was a little nervous about this one myself. You see posts on Facebook from parents who are cheering the end of spring break or lamenting an unexpected snow day because their kids are diving them up a snowdrift. Then I read a post by Penelope that made perfect sense and which I found to be completely true. She talked about how the most difficult time to deal with kids are when they are clingy and fighting for your attention. But when you take them out of school, they see you all the time, so they don’t need to be clingy, and “don’t have to do insane tricks to get the small moments of attention they can get after school.” Now this is not to say you don’t need breaks from each other now and again, especially if you are an introvert, as Kim and I both are. But, as ludicrous as it may sound, your kids actually become more enjoyable to be around the more time you spend with them.

6) Thou shalt care what other people think.
This may be the most important rule one needs to break before embarking on the adventure of homeschooling. Although it is more popular than it’s ever been, homeschooling is not mainstream. It requires no small amount of courage to go against the grain, doing things differently than your friends, neighbors, and likely, even your own parents. There is a measure of safety in going with the flow, and following rules that don’t exist. Because if things go awry, at least you can say you did what you were “supposed” to do. If you deviate from the path, and your kid doesn’t “turn out,” the only one to blame is you. But alas, our children don’t need us to transfer our accountability to someone else. They need us to lead, to look at the facts, and be mindful of (and honest about) the decisions we make.

Being a great parent that turns out amazing kids is hard, because there is no easy-to-follow recipe. But if you ever even hope to have a shot, you’ve got to be willing to break a few rules.

A few weeks ago, I was on a Navy base in Florida, delivering my first program for a military audience. The meeting planner was very hesitant about me encouraging them to break rules, especially since they had just spent several (long, boring, excruciating) days being briefed on new procedures, policies, and regulations.

I still told them to break rules.

Of course, I am not calling for anarchy here. I understand the need for rules, especially in the military, where if you break a rule, someone could die.

The problem is that too often, we assign the same gravity to all the rules in our life, even though most of them don’t exist and the penalty for breaking them is non-existent.

Although it may feel like it, asking your boss for a raise — or that friendly person in line ahead of you at Starbucks for a date — is not a life-or-death proposition. Who cares if they say no? You are already NOT making more money or having dinner with that person, so in effect, nothing’s changed.

Except something has changed.

You were brave. Your comfort zone grew. You cut regret off at the pass.

And that’s if they said no. How cool is it if they say…yes?

Swap sides of the bed with your partner tonight. Watch a movie from a fort in your living room. Get that purple streak in your hair. Play hooky tomorrow and do something fun. Initiate a big project at work.

Sure, it might not work out how you’d like, but that doesn’t mean nothing good will come of it.

Remember, no one is going to die from you eating dessert first.

Kim and I are well-known for encouraging people to be more childlike and act more like kids. A few brave souls have asked (although I suspect there are countless others who have wondered): How does this philosophy impact our role as parents?

In other words, how does a parent walk the line between teaching kids to break rules that don’t exist, without descending into total anarchy?

Great question.

While it’s true that our kids regularly say “#Notarule” in its proper context during normal conversations, any speculation that our kids are living in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory is grossly over exaggerated.

Here are some thoughts on the matter. Your mileage may vary, but I believe there are some useful nuggets here, wether you’re a parent or not.

A Parent’s First Job is Parenting.

First and foremost, we are our kids’ parents, not their friends or playmates or butlers. No one else has this job, so if we don’t do it, our kids will be screwed, destined to live life as soft, spoiled, entitled, selfish little scoundrels. I think they deserve better.

And so it falls on us to teach them manners and accountability and forgiveness and generally how to not be dirtbags. The challenge is that this takes a lot of work, which is why many people prefer to delegate it to someone else. It requires the willingness to be the “bad guy,” to say no, and to enforce the law. This, in turn, requires patience, perseverance, self-confidence, and at least a little stubbornness (with the latter being our strongest trait.)

We are very proud when someone at a restaurant compliments us on how well-behaved our kids are, because we know how much work and consistency goes into it. We are also certain they might have a different opnion if they lived with these minions every single day, like we do.

Kids Need Rules.

With a degree in early childhood education, Kim is well-versed in the research that shows kids need structure and routine in order to feel safe, grow, and thrive. As such, although our schedule is flexible, we run a pretty orderly household, complete with consistent bedtimes, cleanup routines, and behavioral expectations (right now we’re working on not interrupting someone while they are talking, which at this rate, they should master by the time they leave for college).

In our home there are plenty of rules that DO exist, and there are consequences for breaking them, just like in the real world. We merely advocate the overthrowing of the rules that DON’T exist. Fortunately, there are plenty of them within the realm of parenthood.

Parents Need Backbones.

If he had his druthers, my son Ben would wear pajamas all day long, every single day, for the rest of his life. Once in a while, we let him roll with his own wardrobe choices because, if I’m being really honest about it, the only reason I wouldn’t let him wear his pajamas to the grocery store is because of my concern about what other people would think of my parenting.

And frankly, that’s why more parents don’t let their kids break rules that don’t exist. They care too much about what other people would think of them if they did.

Kids deserve parents with enough self-confidence to allow them to be themselves and not conform to an expectation that only exists because it’s always existed.

Once in a While is Not the Same as Always.

My friend Eliz sets aside one day a year as the “Day of Yes.” On this particular day, this mother of twins says yes to any and all reasonable requests, particularly the things she normally says no to. My sister-in-law once took her daughter to the midnight screening of the first Twilight movie. On a school night.

Now they key to these examples is that both of these moms run a pretty tight ship. Rules are enforced and the kids are well-behaved. The only reason it’s special is because it doesn’t happen all the time. Parents who always let their kids eat dessert first are doormats. Parents who never let their kids eat dessert first have a stick up their butt. The magic is in the middle.

Don’t Fear the Why.

One thing Kim and I try to practice is an openness to our kids’ “Why?” questions. Practice is the key word here, as “Because I said so” slips out from time to time. The truth is, whether you are a parent, or a manager, or a CEO, forcing yourself to answer why you do things a certain way is a great way to ferret out rules that don’t exist. If you have a clear answer, you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a teachable moment. If not, you very well may have stumbled upon a rule that’s begging to be broken.

Tinker.

Empowering your kids to break rules that don’t exist is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. Some parents are naturally more lenient, while others tend to be more strict. A lenient parent might jump at the idea of Barbarian Spaghetti (which is a spaghetti dinner with no plates), while a stricter one might recoil in horror.

The secret is to start where you are. Just tinker. Step out of your comfort zone in premeditated way. If Barbarian Spaghetti seems a bit intimidating, then just have breakfast for dinner. Or eat dessert first. Decorate ugly cookies. Push back bedtime to celebrate a special occasion. You don’t have to blow your comfort zone away with a nuclear-powered bazooka. Go at it with a pea shooter, and work your way up from there.

How to Make a Hard Job Easier.

Being a bad parent is easy. Being a good parent is incredibly hard. Being a great parent is damn near impossible. As for perfect parents? They’re like unicorns and easy-to-open Barbie packaging, they don’t exist.

We believe that you can’t be truly great at anything if you’re not interjecting some measure of fun. Although we take or job as parents very seriously, we try not to take ourselves too seriously, and that seems to make the hard parts go more smoothly.

Case in point:

The Most Important Thing.

The rallying cry of “Escape Adulthood” is not about forgoing all responsibility so we can engage in silly trivial pursuits all day long. Rather, it’s about breaking free from the safe, boring, and predictable version of adulthood that traps most people, and bringing those childlike sensibilities into our daily lives so that we can stress less and have more fun.

Kim and I want our kids to be curious, dream big, enjoy life, and value experiences over stuff. The best way to do that is to model those qualities ourselves. Because the adage “Do what I say and not what I do” is (and always has been) a myth.

“Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Telling an amazing story with our lives — one filled with magic and meaning and wonder and love — makes it more likely our kids will do the same with theirs.

Alas, that’s the hard part. You get that down, and parenting is a piece of cake.

Anyway, please check out what she has going on, and enjoy this fun video conversation about rules, Adultitis, and my new book, Penguins Can’t Fly +39 Other Rules That Don’t Exist.

Rules that don’t exist are all around us, and they can keep us from living a life of awesome. In honor of the release of Penguins Can’t Fly, we are posting different rules all over social media, using the hashtag #notarule. Some are rules we’ve uncovered, others have been shared with us from people like you.

Follow along on Instagram, Tumblr, or Facebook or share your own rule here!

This is one of a series of hilarious photos sent to me by a mom in Ohio who quoted her daughter as saying, “Because anyone can have typical senior photos but only a few can have awesomesauce ones!”

I recently had a speaking engagement in central Wisconsin and everything in the hotel room they booked me in (lamps, wallpaper, shower curtain, ice bucket, EVERYTHING) was Bucky Badger themed. Which went perfect with the t-shirt I decided to bring that day!

One of my favorite ones to break! Take that, fashion police. Photo by Slavica Skracic.

And here are some of the great rules submitted by readers!

(via Dan Farrell)

(via Sandy Saval)

(via Pat Maurer)

“Blessed are the rule breakers. They shalt inherit the Future. We have always admired the great renegades of business, brave souls who dared to deny the status quo, defy the odds, and pioneer a new normal. Nicolas Tesla. Richard Branson. Tony Stark. One thing all great titans of industry have in common is this: they were able to identify rules that don’t exist and had the courage to break them. Of course, there are plenty of rules that DO exist. If you commit fraud or neglect to pay taxes, I hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit. But the rules that DON’T exist greatly outnumber the ones that do. History is filled with examples of those who profited greatly by dispensing with so-called ‘rules.’”

This is an excerpt of my new ChangeThis manifesto that talks about the rules that don’t exist and specifically delves into how to get good at noticing these so-called rules and how to muster up the courage to actually break them.

It’s a quick read and free to download, please feel free to share it with friends, family, co-workers, bosses and sworn enemies (which may not be mutually exclusive.)

The 2015 #Notarule Tour is a curious cavalcade of unusual events united in the purpose of helping you break rules that don’t exist. Fueled by the message Penguins Can’t Fly, this is one unconventional book tour. There will be stops at zoos, ice cream parlors, national landmarks, a few bookstores, and even an art fair!

Rather than repeating the tried-and-true (but insanely boring) model most “book tours” subscribe to, our goal was to tell a better story by creating fun, memorable, and engaging events and experiences. Most stops will feature opportunities for you and your companions to break one or many rules. Some stops won’t even provide any opportunities to buy books (although if you bring one for me to sign, I’ll give you a free signed print!) A few will offer the opportunity to decorate ugly cookies!

Find Marty Art Drop
Every stop will feature a “Find Marty Art Drop,” in which a small cache of goodies (including an adorable tiny toy penguin, a signed and numbered limited edition print, and instructions for claiming a free copy of Penguins Can’t Fly), will be hidden. Clues will be revealed on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and the winner is the first to find it!

#Notarule Tour Notables:

• Number of states: 13
• Number of cities: 25
• Number of zoos: 5 (we tried for more, but many of them have Adultitis.)



• I will be bringing along my family (a wife and three kids under seven) for the majority of the stops. This may or may not be certifiably insane. But it’s guaranteed to be memorable.
• I have a limited amount of time reserved for media interviews. If you would like to schedule a time for a lively chat, please contact his publicist Michelle Cashman at Michelle.Cashman@stmartins.com

Click here for an updated list of cities and dates!