“Are you making deviled eggs?” he asked the day before Thanksgiving.
“I wasn’t planning on it, but I could. Want me to?” I offered.
“Well, sure if you have time,” he said graciously.
I did. And he appreciated them.
And Ben and I ended up having so much fun, as I taught him how to make this family favorite for my Dad.
I’m grateful for these memories from last year at this time.
This was the beginning of a journal Kim wrote on Thanksgiving, reflecting on how last year was the last time she’d “get to” make her dad deviled eggs. He passed away in January. The “firsts” in our lives get a lot of fanfare, but we don’t often know the last times until they’ve passed us by.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Except when it’s not.
For many people, the loss of a loved one makes this a painful season. Whether this is the first holiday without them or the twenty-seventh, lots of complicated feelings bubble to the surface.
First of all, it’s okay to be sad when everyone (and every song in every store) is urging you to be merry.
And if you know someone who is dealing with loss, I learned a valuable lesson several years ago. Although it may feel kinder to not bring up the person for fear of stirring up painful emotions, it’s often more generous to remember and celebrate them than to pretend like they never existed.
When Kim made deviled eggs this year, she received a tiny heart as she sprinkled on the paprika (see if you can find it in the photo above). And with that, a new tradition is born, giving Gary a permanent place around our Thanksgiving table.
Maybe this is your year to start a new tradition that incorporates the spirit of departed loved ones into your holiday celebrations. Of course, deviled eggs are not a requirement. But did they love candy canes? Maybe add them to your tree this year.
Or maybe you could add an ornament to your Christmas tree that symbolizes their interests, hobbies, or personality. Find or make a new one every year to keep their memory alive.
You could also frame pictures of loved ones and bring them to the dinner table. Include them in your toast, or share a fun story about them over dessert.
Speaking of dessert, was there a certain one they were known for making? (Or devouring?) Make it in their honor.
What if you organized a charitable act in memory of your loved one? This could include volunteering, donating to a cause they cared about, or initiating a community project as a tribute.
One reader shared something she and her great-aunt did after her mom died from cancer. Every month, they would go out to dinner, picking a different place her mom loved or would have loved. They’d share memories and talk about what she would have loved (or hated) about the place and talked about how hard it was that she was gone. It provided them a chance to laugh, to cry, and keep her memory alive, growing closer to each other in the process.
Another cool idea is to create a memory jar where family members and friends can write down their favorite memories of those who have passed. Read these notes together during the holiday season, sharing stories and anecdotes that allow everyone to reminisce and celebrate their lives.
Or take things to the next level and create a time capsule by placing meaningful items or notes into a container each year. Open the capsule during the holidays and reminisce about the treasures inside.
Prefer something simpler and more low-key? Hold a candle-lighting ceremony where each participant lights a candle in memory of the departed loved one. This can be done on Christmas Eve or another significant day.
If you are wrestling with complicated emotions that come from missing someone this time of year, I offer my prayers for peace and comfort. I hope one of these ideas is a catalyst to bring a bit more joy and wonder this holiday season.
I’ll close the way I began, with Kim. Here are a few lines she wrote to her dad:
I’m sure going to miss you at the table this evening. It won’t be the same without you here. But, knowing you’ll be there to welcome me to the heavenly banquet someday brings me a pure paprika heart of joy. I look forward to it!!
I’ll bring the deviled eggs. 💛