Relationships

- - - | written by Jason on 2/9/2020 | - - -

How Real Love is Like a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

"Ring of Fire" by Jason Kotecki. 20"x20" Oil on canvas.Original is SOLD. Prints available here. Everyone thinks the excitement that accompanies the start of a relationship is the best. Granted, it IS intoxicating. Everything is new and mysterious. You’re wondering if the other person just likes you or actually "likes you" likes you. A simple touch ignites an inferno of passion. There’s so much to talk about as you’re constantly learning new things about one another. That way he chews, and that way she steals your jacket when she’s cold, is still cute and endearing. There’s no doubt about it: The beginning of a new relationship is pretty great. But then again, in the beginning, you’re just two separate entities. Like bread and cheese. Cheese is good. Bread is good. Put them together and you have a cheese sandwich. Also good. But Johnny Cash was right when he sang that love is a burning thing. It doesn’t get really good until you’ve gone through some fires together. …

- - - | written by Jason on 10/27/2019 | - - -

The Easiest Way Leave a Powerful Legacy

Mr. Olsen had written a series of math problems across several chalkboards. The avalanche of white scribbles was overwhelming, but not impossible. “Anyone who gets them all correct,” he told his fifth grade class, “will get a sucker.” Sheryl was one of five students who were up to the task. Unfortunately, the teacher said he only had four suckers, and was forced to ask if anyone would be willing to give up theirs. Sheryl said she would. Mr. Olsen thanked her, and proceeded with the rest of the school day.Before the students were dismissed that afternoon, Mr. Olsen asked Sheryl to stay after school so he could talk to her. She’d never been asked stay after school, and she was terrified!After all the other students exited the classroom. Mr. Olsen asked Sheryl to have a seat at his desk. He pulled open the bottom drawer and withdrew a whole, unopened bag of suckers and presented it to her. With a look of shock across her face, Mr. Olsen said, "Sheryl, what you did today was very generous …

- - - | written by Jason on 10/13/2019 | - - -

The Magic of Making Deposits

Making deposits: eating cheeseburgers, playing mini-golf, and engaging in man-to-man conversations with The Boy. Try this: Starting today, stop making deposits into your checking account. But continue writing checks to pay your bills. What happens when you write a check the day after your money runs out? It's pretty easy to see the financial lesson here. What’s interesting is that we can apply the same lesson to relationships. So many parents tell me what a struggle it is to get their kids to do anything. They always have to get after them to get up and ready for school, do their homework, eat their vegetables, pick up after themselves, look presentable for church, etc. It’s exhausting! Parenting is no joke, and continues to be the biggest challenge I’ve ever encountered. I’d like to share an idea – it felt like a magic trick – I got from my wife when our kids were very young: You can’t expect to make withdrawals from your kids if you haven’t made any …

- - - | written by Jason on 9/28/2019 | - - -

Walk Your Way to a Better Marriage

Kim and I doing one of our favorite things: walking. We’ve been walking since our earliest days together, back when we couldn’t afford to run the air conditioning in our apartment and a trip to Pizza Hut was a real splurge. Over nineteen years into our marriage, and I am convinced it is one of the biggest keys to keeping it fresh. We brainstorm business ideas, talk about the kids, explore our faith, hash out our struggles, work through problems, dream of the future, and sometimes just admire the scenery. Even after all these years, we never run out of stuff to talk about. My parents have always been big on hopping in the car and going on rides. Strong marriages are built on communication, and there’s just something about movement that helps jumpstart conversation. #strongmarriage #walkingbyfaith #happydoughnuts …

- - - | written by Jason on 11/4/2018 | - - -

A Tale of Two Trees: Thoughts on Life, Death and Regret

I was in a small country cemetery recently, thinking about autumn and life and the end of another baseball season, when I saw these trees. All of them marching toward the sleep of winter, the one on the right still filled with leaves, another with only a few left to give. I wondered, “Which one am I?” As of this writing, I am forty-two years old. No spring sapling, that’s for sure. I’m old enough and experienced enough to know that I could be either tree. I think about death a lot, mostly because it helps me think about my life, and how well I’m spending it. Anniversaries are piling up. Pictures from my early days of marriage looks less and less like the person that greets me in the mirror each morning. And my kids. They are growing up so fast. Too fast. Memories of their newborn days seem like borrowed photographs from someone else’s life. Life can be hard, but it is good. I’d give anything to slow it all down. I rack my brain for something I can do to help. How do I …

- - - | written by Jason on 6/3/2018 | - - -

Do You See the Magic Sitting Right Next to You?

We finally made it to Victoria in British Columbia after hearing about it from so many travelers who spoke of it with stars in their eyes. Kim and I have always had a thing for the Pacific Northwest, but between the mountain views, the ocean air, and the old British charm, it didn't disappoint. When we were preparing to board the ferry to return to the States, the customs officer seemed genuinely shocked to hear from us that people referred to it as a magical place. "Huh," he shrugged. "I don't know about that." I was surprised by his response, and a little saddened. I suppose I shouldn't have been. It's easy to take for granted the things that are familiar to us. So who is right? The people who see Victoria as a magical place? Or the officer who sees nothing out of the ordinary? I'd say they both are. The truth is that so much of what we get out of life depends on our perspective. Of course, that perspective may spring forth from our circumstance, but we always have …

- - - | written by Jason on 5/20/2018 | - - -

How To Make Your Marriage Feel Brand New

"Tingly" by Jason Kotecki. Prints available here. I recently read a pretty incredible assessment of marriage. It was written by my friend Scott, who was reacting to the habit our culture has of framing marriage as the end of freedom. Acquiring the ball and chain. Hitched. Tied down. Game over. Refreshingly, Scott countered with this: “Marriage is the ultimate form of freedom. Freedom to be our true selves, freedom to let our guards down and be vulnerable, and freedom to fart as loudly as possible without being judged. When I was single and struggling to find someone to share my life, exhausting activities like resenting and pretending and impressing took up its of space in my heart...But the moment we tied the knot, all of that vanished. Suddenly I was released from the prison of having to prove myself." I couldn’t agree more. One of the neat things about being married is being able to really know another person on a deep level. There is a sense of comfortability and a freedom …

- - - | written by Jason on 11/12/2017 | - - -

The Magic Question That Will Make You The Most Innovative Person You Know

The world is changing at an ever-increasing pace. Meanwhile, most of us are being asked to do more with less. The answer to a prosperous and glorious future, it seems, is innovation. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that innovation is often regarded as one step away from sorcery. It is reserved for the super smart, super creative, or super inhabitants of Silicon Valley. Hogwash. You can be more innovative, right now, today. (I don't care if you are reading this in your pajamas or your hair looks like it just took on a tornado.) The dictionary tells us that innovation is merely the introduction of a new and better method, idea or thing. That's it. So yeah, the iPhone was a pretty ginormous innovation. But you know what else was? The person who came up with the idea to put tennis balls on walkers. Apparently they add value somehow, because every walker I've ever seen has one on each leg. Contrary to popular belief, innovation can be easy, but only if you …

- - - | written by Jason on 2/12/2017 | - - -

Celebrate Your Way to a Better Relationship

Isn’t it strange how when you’ve just fallen in love, the object of your affection's weird idiosyncrasies seem cute? And then, after twenty years of marriage, the way their nose twitches when they tell a funny story, the unusual way they cut their steak, or the specific way they order at a fast food drive-up window, makes you want to wallop them with a rolling pin? Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too. ;) Interestingly, studies show that divorce isn’t usually caused by an increase in problems. It’s often caused by a decrease in positive feelings. Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has demonstrated that how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight. In the early stages of a relationship, celebrations are abundant and all the feels are good. You measure anniversaries in weeks and months, cheer each other on, and rejoice over the smallest of milestones. All of these things work to overshadow the …

- - - | written by Jason on 6/5/2016 | - - -

Leftover Scraps Aren’t Good Enough

I recently read an article about a celebrity chef. In it, he talked about his nightly ritual with his wife: “At around 11:30 or 12:00, we talk. Not just, 'How are you?’ I like to have a soulful conversation with her, a meaningful conversation. And then after that, I fall asleep within two seconds. I am just beat. I am beat." I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Are you freaking kidding me? A soulful conversation? At midnight?! In which you are so "alert" that you fall asleep within two seconds of having it? Granted, I am not in the room with them, but I'd love to ask the wife just how meaningful these late-night conversations are for her. Look, everyone says they have their priorities in order. "Family first!" is the familiar cry. But Adultitis is eternally tempting us to let our focus slide to other things. Our pride and ambitions can drive us to chase wealth, status, and adulation, often at the expense of the people we care about the most, while we expertly rationalize …