Once upon a time, there was a couple. They had three kids and a good life. He made his living as an accountant and she was a doctor, but their real dream was to live on a ranch and breed dogs.
One day, my wife Kim suggested they do that.
The woman laughed. “It’s not possible,” she said.
And so they didn’t.
The end.
This is a true story, and similar stories just like it are lived out every day.
Of course, the woman was wrong about it not being possible. Oh, she gave a list of reasons, but none of them made the option impossible. Risky, perhaps, or unconventional, or difficult, or impractical, or scary, or all of the above.
But certainly not impossible.
I feel sad for them. Are they settling for comfort? Worried about what other people would think? Afraid of the unknown? Only they know for sure, but they appear resigned to turn down a chance at the literal life of their dreams.
Of course, the choice is theirs.
Unfortunately, the regret they may someday experience will also be theirs.
It’s a shame how willingly we surrender the direction and, ultimately, the outcome of our lives to other people and to rules that don’t exist.
Of course, sometimes we do encounter real, indelible limitations that hold us back from the life of our dreams, but they are far fewer in number than we think. Our opinions, traditions, and customs can be so strong that they feel a lot like moral obligations. But that doesn’t necessarily make them so. We still have a choice.
Hard choices are still choices.
When we are facing hard choices in our own lives, pretending like we don’t have a say in the matter gives us cover by removing the responsibility for the decision. Things didn’t work out? Don’t blame me; I didn’t have a choice.
The truth is, you actually did.
I know men who hate their jobs. But they stay put. They say it’s because they need to act responsibly as the provider for their family, which is honorable. They resolve to stick it out until retirement, or until the kids are grown. Meanwhile, their persistent unhappiness hangs like a black cloud over the entire family.
This is not to say that work is always enjoyable or imminently fulfilling. And should they risk it all by quitting their job in a blaze of glory? Probably not. But is that really the only option? Couldn’t they keep their job while they send their resume to other potential employers? Couldn’t they start a side hustle and see if it has legs? Couldn’t they take some night classes to learn a new skill?
The answers are all “yes,” but none of that is as easy as acting as if you had no choice.
When making decisions, we can be swayed by fear, guilt, practicality, common sense, or simply the force of habit. And those forces can make it seem like we have no say in the matter. But we always do.
Meanwhile, other people have all sorts of opinions about how we should live our lives and are quick to weigh in on what we should or shouldn’t do. Depending on who’s doing the opining, those “shoulds” can feel pretty heavy and unbending.
It’s wise to seek the counsel of our elders, the ones who have seen more things and have been in the fight longer than we have. But ultimately, we are allowed to chart our own path, even if it goes against the wishes of our parents or our peers.
In the times we feel trapped in a life we didn’t sign up for, it’s important to remember that we have more agency over our lives than Adultitis would like us to believe. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “The doors of hell are locked on the inside.”
Maybe the path your heart is urging you toward makes no practical sense.
Maybe it will disappoint someone you care about.
Maybe the chances of success are somewhere between slim and nil.
It might not work. But…what if it does? And what do you lose by not even trying?
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.”
—John A. Shedd
You only get one life, and at the end of the day, you are the captain of it.
Hard choices are still choices.
Choose wisely.
🤔 I wonder…what is something difficult you’ve accomplished in your life that seemed impossible at first?
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