Sending a Message to Soda and His Cronies

dancing_soda_popHas this ever happened to you? It’s a dark and stormy night and you’re home alone, nestled into the couch watching old movies. The wind is whipping tree branches against the windows, making an eerie scraping sound. You hear a creak that seems to be out of place, and against your better judgement, decide you’d better get up to investigate.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant, 72-ounce Cherry Coke busts down the door, holds you down, and forces every drip of its syrupy evil down your throat.

Fortunately, this hasn’t happened to me — yet — but I’m looking into a new home security system to protect my family from this sort of soft drink crime that is apparently growing in frequency around the country.

Did you know that Soda and his cronies are causing obesity in this country? Not just in adults, but children, too! Oh, the humanity!

Happily, our friendly neighborhood politicians are on the case. Some are suggesting a penny per ounce tax on the sugar-laden beverages to prevent them from wreaking further havoc.

An interesting start, but I’m not sure if that’s taking the problem seriously enough. Perhaps it should be a dollar-an-ounce tax. Or maybe we can send a strong message by rounding up all of the soft drinks and putting them in a time out, or grounding them for a month.

We need to send a message to these killing machines, but how?

Here are some ideas…

1) Maybe we can tell our nanny-minded government to stay out of our lives and quit trying to get their grubby little hands on all of our money a few cents at a time.

2) Maybe we can write a strongly-worded letter to the Adultitis-ridden do-gooders who are ruining everything that we don’t want to be penalized for someone else’s complete lack of self-control. (If the letter doesn’t work, we’ll threaten wedgies!)

3) Maybe we can actually — gasp! — hold people to a standard of personal accountability and begin operating under the assumption that if you want to slurp down 600-calorie Mountain Dews which may lead to rotting teeth and a sizeable weight gain resulting in an early death, that’s your choice, but not the Mountain Dew’s fault.

I don’t know, those three ideas seem pretty reasonable.

But maybe I’m just being ridiculous.

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  1. Don’t joke, I was once attacked in the street by a giant bottle of Irn Bru and forced to drink the whole thing…

  2. Jason,

    I agree Jason, because me and all those other X-games contestants who drink Mountain Dew are SOOO FAT (not). In fact, I think, if not for Mountain Dew, I might have died of skinniness.

    It’s called EXERCISE, people. Most people I know who are overweight drink diet soda yet eat desserts by the gallon and don’t exercise.

    Mountain Dew for everyone!

  3. Steve says:

    I have recently lost 60 lbs without giving up my MT. Dew All I did is get out from infront of the computer and started playing paint ball (EXERCISE) and then change a few of my other eating habits like eating late night and then going to sleep, or watching TV with a bag of chips or block of cheese. But once again did not give up the DEW I drink for both the sugar and the caffine.
    Enjoy the things you like in moderation.

    • Congrats on the weight loss, Steve. Interesting how much difference a little moderation can make!

  4. Geoffrey says:

    Too funny – and too true! Making junk food cost more will not slim people down, it’ll just empty their pockets more quickly. I have a high metabolism that’s somewhat less high than it was twenty years ago, and have to be concerned for health problems otehr than weight gain, but I still figured out long ago, without being warned, that if I eat my Doritos and rootbeer as SNACKS rather than MEALS, then my overall health improves, and I have more energy to MOVE… and to PLAY! :)

    • If there’s one thing my daughter Lucy has already taught me, it’s this: it takes A LOT of energy to play!

  5. Terry says:

    There is a comercial here in CT (maybe everywhere?) that talks about this very issue. It shows a mom unloading groceries from her car with her young children running around. In one of the bags is a couple bottles of soda. She says something like, “With the economy the way it is, it’s hard enough to feed a family…..” It still makes my laugh!

  6. It all began with alcohol taxes. The soft drink crowd of the earlier decades said “yeah tax that evil drink”. Then came the cigarette taxes, and the crowds chanted “yeah tax that evil tobacco and apply the money to health care to pay for all the increased cost”. Then came the calls to tax SUVs, which were killing innocent people and polluting the air. Now its Colas and fast foods.

    Tomorrow they come for your venti triple shot mochachino with whip latte. And no industry will be left to help you fight. Starbucks will have to layoff even more baristas and they won’t be able to buy coffee from that 3rd world village any more.

    The same issue applies to the “Tax the Rich” logic. After they tax the rich, who do they come after next?

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