You know how some people become so frustrated by the antics of their crying baby that they resort to shaking them violently?
Sometimes, when I’m speaking, I want to do that with audience members.
The other night, Kim and I were in North Dakota for a program. A young high-schooler and his mother were in the audience, seated about halfway back. The kid had a cell phone and he spent the entire program texting friends.
Well, almost the entire program. You see, there’s one point of my program where I share some Adultitis warning signs. I say, “You might have Adultitis if you’ve gotten to the point where your cell phone has become a body part.” Then I show a slide of a guy with a cell phone taped to his head.
The mom nudged the boy, who looked up, shared a brief laugh with her, and promptly went back to his texting.
That my friends, is what we call irony.
Something that drives me crazy (and I’m sure anyone who is passionate about helping people improve their lives) is when someone you’re talking to doesn’t think you’re actually talking about them. Of course, I realize that I can’t make anyone change. They have to do it themselves. But sometimes I wonder if I’m even getting through.
Sometimes I want to go up to people in my audience, shake them, and say, “Hey! I’m talking about YOU!!!”
To which, they’d probably reply, “I get your point, but you don’t understand. My situation is different.”
Of course, the world would be infinitely better if everyone did what we told them to do, right? Every professional speaker thinks that way, or at least they should. That’s what helps fuel their passion to help make a difference.
But the truth is, we all think our situation is different. Every last one of us.
We think, People should learn to budget their money better. People need to take a look at their priorities. People should do a better job of raising their kids. But us? The person we see in the mirror? Don’t even go there. After all, our situation is different.
Our situation is the exception to the rule.
Nice try.
That’s such an easy cop out. And we all use it. It puts up an invisible force field that prevents any criticism from being hurled in our direction. Any helpful advice is immediately deflected because our situation does not apply.
The sad part is that when we embrace that attitude, we miss out on wonderful opportunities to improve our lives. Our relationships. Our careers. Ourselves.
Don’t be so prideful to think that your situation is so much different than everybody else’s. Nobody’s perfect. We all have lots to learn. There is a nugget of gold in every piece of advice. The key is to lower our force fields, take the advice that comes our way with a grain of salt, and figure out how to apply it to our unique situation. Ask yourself, “Where is the truth in this? How can I apply that truth to my life?”
Meanwhile, as you read this blog, encountering the bits of advice here and there, know this:
YES! I’m talking about YOU!
Jason, even though it might be frustrating, I never take it personally when someone in the audience seems to be ignoring me or not relating to what I’m saying, especially teenagers! I spent a lot of time speaking in high school classrooms and some of the kids who appeared the most hostile and resistant were actually paying close attention.
They just didn’t want anyone else to know they were paying attention.
Add to that the fact that some people just learn and listen better when doing stuff with their hands, and you’ve got a kid who might actually have gotten a lot out of your talk.
A couple of blog posts about this:
http://coachlisab.blogspot.com/2007/08/is-your-audience-paying-attention.html
http://coachlisab.blogspot.com/2008/06/its-not-about-you.html
Lisa, you make a great point. I have also spoken to quite a few high school groups and find exactly what you say to be true. The ones who appear to be the least interested are usually the ones paying the most attention. And as you mention in your post, the same is true for adult men who are sitting with their arms crossed. Those are the ones who typically come up to me quietly after the program to shake my hand and tell me how much they enjoyed it. My biggest frustration is when people use the cop out of “my situation is different” to avoid making changes in their own life. Admittedly, it’s something we ALL need to work on.
I know what you mean. I used to be an instructor and I would lose my mind if I thought someone was not paying attention. I think I get that way with my kids too when I have some piece of wise sage advice and they give me that blank stare or looking off somewhere else. I’m with you man.
Hey guys;
Yes, teens can be frustrating. I teach high school religion to kids here in sunny ND; students who may or may not want to be there for a mere one hour a week. In my class, the first thing I do is throw a bunch of paper on the tables–who cares if they doodle while we talk? They sit all day long & listen to their teachers with blank looks like robots… Then I pass out suckers, that engages their mouths so there is less chatting about amongst themselves & they tend to participate in the topics that we have to discuss during class.
Works for me…we’ve been doing this for three years & they do seem to get the drift!
Hi Jason,
I’ve been meaning to comment on your posts for a long time now. This one hit me, because I just read a wonderful book called “The Shack” by William P. Young. (You can find it in Christian bookstores or check online.) It’s a tearjerker story but it emphasizes relationships and that’s what you want to have with your audiences, so I would encourage you to enjoy this book and glean it’s message. Have a great day!
I agree with Lisa – a look of inattention does not mean they’re not paying attention. There have been many times my nieces have asked me, “Uncle Geoff, do you remember when you warned me about —–?” Yes, sweetheart, I remember. “Well, you were right.” Usually the thing I warned them about had no far-reaching impact. Sometimes it did, and I wished they had not only listened, but followed my counsel. Nevertheless, they Did listen, and *gasp* later began to ask for *my opinion*!
Michelle — great tips! Thanks for sharing!
Eva — Thanks for the comment. I’ll have to check out that book. Thanks for valuably adding to the discussion!
Geoffrey — I’m sorry, what were you saying? :)
Wow! Good thing I don’t text ad nauseam while sitting in an audience! I was worried the warning might apply to me! So glad I’m the exception. :)
But seriously… Thanks! I needed to hear that.
(I seriously don’t text people while I’m in an audience…but that was still very appropriate…)
One more vote for kids who don’t appear to be listening, but are. When our younger son was in Cub Scouts they met at a day care center where there were lots of interesting things to interact with besides the Cub Scout leader. The leader said to me one day, “Do you know the one thing that drives me crazy about Jacob?” (I, knowing Jacob very well, was AMAZED that there was only ONE thing that drove him crazy HA!)He said, “I can be talking to the kids trying to get a project or a point across and Jake will be climbing up on something or playing with Legos or checking out the snacks and I’ll say, ‘JACOB!! What did I just say??’ and he’ll repeat everything I just said verbatim. Drives me NUTS!!” So there’s a case of a male who can multitask (a rare creature indeed………..rimshot!) Of course now that he’s 21, it’s very common to be having a conversation with him where I feel important info is being imparted and he appears to be listening. Then somewhere along the way, he kind of starts and says, “Wait, what now?” So in his case, the ability waned :)
Jason,
OK, so maybe I’m picking nits, but that intro about shaking babies is disturbing, and I don’t think it was intended to be. “Antics” implies playful mischief, but it’s a much deeper frustration that could bring a parent to do such a thing. The injuries often cause permanent brain damage, and sometimes death. I have cared for a baby who had been permanently damaged in this manner, and it is really tragic.
Sorry to post such a negative reaction to an overall very positive blog, but I had to say it. I enjoy your blog very much; keep up the good work!
Dave
Duly noted, Dave. Thanks!
Jason,I was at one of your talks in nd and was sitting a few spots down from a group of texters they were distracting and there was a couple times I wanted to tell them to wait an hour or step out of the room but then I would over hear them talking and they would be talking about things you where doing or saying so I thought rude but listening… just thought you would like to know you do make a difference (great talk) also fyi my 5 year old was there and I didn`t think she was getting much out of it (she was coloring)the next morning she came into the bathroom when I was showering to remind me to do the macarana!so you never know what they hear…
keep up the great work ~ Tami
Tami, Thanks for the feedback. Good to hear the perspective of someone in the peanut gallery!