7 Foolproof Ways to Feel Less Alive

Dear friend,

Do you ever suffer from that dreaded emotion of feeling alive? Are you always complaining about that spring in your step, the annoying perception of joy in your heart, or the gnawing sense that you’ve found your purpose in life?

If you ask me, no one should have to live that way, and it’s my mission in life to prevent these sorts of unfortunate conditions. Naturally, there are a host of things that will try and trip you up. Without even realizing it, you can find yourself feeling alive at no fault of your own. Here is a list — by no means is it exhaustive — of certain things you’ll want to steer clear of: smiling babies, as well as all puppies, bunnies and kittens, circuses, water parks, dolphin shows and magic shows, oversized stuffed animals, silly string, bean bag chairs, helium-filled balloons, and of course, Pop Rocks.

Besides all that, here some very effective techniques for turning your situation around:

1) Spend as much time as possible looking at screens. Smartphone screens, computer screens, television screens. The higher number of screen time you can manage is in direct proportion to your lack of aliveness, so as usual, more is better. Also, try replacing face-to-face relationships and interactions with those that exist solely online as much as possible. Remember, leave the real living to the people participating on reality TV shows.

2) On the other hand, when it comes to nature, less is definitely more. Do not frequent parks, mountains, beaches, or wooded areas of any kind. Hiking, biking, climbing, fishing, skiing, swimming…these activities are strictly off-limits. Instead, spend time at more fruitful locales, such as the mall, airport security lines, or the DMV.

3) You should make it a priority to have a job that sucks the living soul right out of you. Specifically, the kind you dread going to and has you longing for the weekend as soon as you arrive. If you already have one, by all means, keep it, especially if it pays the bills. If it pays VERY well, you already find yourself in an ideal position. Refrain from the foolishness of following your “passion.” You’ve got plenty of time for things like that so don’t waste too much time thinking about it now.

4) Commit to as many things as you can, and for your kids as well. A good rule of thumb is to pick activities that you’d only do out of guilt, obligation, or as some misguided attempt to make your kids more appealing to institutes of higher learning. If you have blank spots on your calendar, you’re doing it wrong.

5) Laughter is, of course, a killer. Addictive and insidious, it’s a common culprit for creating feelings of “aliveness.” Believe me, I have spared no effort in trying to wipe out this abominable nuisance. In fact, I’ve made great strides in all levels of government, and many professions as well. (Most of which I’m sure you’d be able to name.) And yet it persists. Resist its spell.

6) Anytime you slip into the habit of wondering if there’s something more out there for you — and don’t worry, it happens to the best of us — calmly remind yourself that this is as good as it gets. Trust me, it is.

7) My final tip is so good, it should be on a bumper sticker: dream small. Although I don’t condemn dreaming, if you must, please, keep it “realistic.”

Feeling less alive is not easy, but millions of people are accomplishing it every day. Follow my words of wisdom, friend, and so can you.

Sincerely,

Adultitis