Corinne had just finished a long, hard day at work. She was looking forward to enjoying a juicy leftover hamburger from last night’s dinner, but when she opened the fridge, she discovered they were all gone. Fuming, she plopped into her recliner, wrapped herself in a blanket, crossed her arms, and settled in for a good sulk.
Corinne reported that she felt guilty for pouting, but the next day realized that her self-contained pity party wasn’t all bad.
She said, “It was a non-violent way to combat my tiredness and frustration, no yelling, no recriminations involved, and I eventually ended up calming down enough to find something else to eat anyway. Happy ending.”
Corinne’s story reminded me of the first time Kim and I were in Miami. One of the main things I wanted to do was experience South Beach. Three minutes into the only opportunity we had to spend time there, it started to downpour. The weather forecast indicated it would stay that way all day. We had no choice but to postpone our beach fun for another time.
As Kim drove through the city, raindrops raced across the windshield taunting me, and I sat in the passenger seat sulking. Like Corinne, I felt guilty for doing so. I am the guy who makes a living fighting Adultitis, and here I was smack dab in the middle of an Adultitis-riddled pity party. I should be able to let this roll right off me, I thought. I am a hypocrite of the highest order, I thought.
Then, at that moment, I decided to be kind to myself. I gave myself permission to sulk. I gave myself permission to be disappointed, to feel the hurt, and to entertain the thought that the universe had conspired against me to send rain clouds and ruin my day. As I sat there fuming, I threw myself a most extravagant pity party.
And after about fifteen minutes, I started to feel better. I was ready to start thinking about all the good things we were able to do in Miami, and how in the grand scheme of things, this little thunderstorm was as small as it gets. In the end, the change of plans only ruined about fifteen minutes, instead of the whole day.
I am all for being optimistic and positive thinking (I’m a Cubs fan, for goodness’ sake!). But life is meant to be lived and it’s meant to be felt. Sometimes the feelings are joy and elation, sometimes they are disappointment and grief, but they are all a part of being truly alive. Putting on a happy face to mask some sadness is not all that different than using drugs and alcohol to numb a deep pain. The problem is that those feelings never really go away, and in many cases, they bubble up later with devastating consequences.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want to live in a world filled with Negative Nellies and Sulking Sams. But I think that it’s ok to experience the full spectrum of feeling alive, be it good, bad, or ugly. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself permission to be sad when you’re sad, hurt when you’re hurt, and disappointed when you’re disappointed. Those experiences in the valley make the mountaintop moments all the richer.
Sometimes a good sulk can be good for the soul.
When I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer my world tumbled off its axis. I thought of all the horrible things, never having children, losing my hair, chemo and of course death. My family and friends were generous and gave me love and time, they kept their advice to themselves. Twentyfour hours after surgery I realized something, I WAS ALIVE. I could rejoice in that or waste years sad because I was I’ll. Five years later (Yes, I am a cancer survivor!) I realized hair grows back and, no hair was comfortable on a hot summer day and through hot flashes. Chemo was not fun but I met lots of good people who were living their life in wonderful ways and I get to care for kids everyday at work and not have the fear of how I am going to provide for them. After 29 years in the field I have already touched 5000 lives 4998 more than I would have parented and sent to college. Life is good and so are all the emotions. God made us feeling beings don’t deny them or hide them embrace them.
Good for you, Helen! I was a bit worried my post was too heavy for this blog, until I saw yours. I always think of emotion as a wave spectrum. The depth of your experience of despair is the potential for your experience of joy. If you never get low you can not perceive how sweet the good times are.
Thanks for sharing, Helen! What a great perspective and wonderful example for us all. Sounds like you’ve kicked cancer’s butt as well as Adultitis’!
This made me think of a conversation I had with an old family friend a long time ago, describing his experience with Prozac. “Will” has a diagnosed mental health disorder which he had controlled through therapy and drugs throughout his adult life. He told me, when both his parents passed away in the same year he felt depressed. His doctor prescribed Prozac. I was a very smilely guy, Will said, I was always up but I felt like I was living on the surface and I began to experience unexplained anger. I got off the Prozac, and I grieved, and then after a while I felt better! It is easy to start thinking that everyone should be happy, and when they are experiencing unpleasant emotions, to try to make them go away. I would say that may be a symptom of adultitis as well. Children are usually honest about their feelings. Experiencing life is not all about the goofy, silly stuff.
So glad you shared this, Emily. We do focus on a lot of fun and silly stuff here, but great stories always have a full spectrum of emotion. It always fascinates me to hear examples of people proving that drugs/medication aren’t always the best solution to our problems, even though they are usually the first ones to be prescribed. Good point about kids being honest about their feelings, too. Another example if the deep well of wisdom we can learn from them!
Thanks again for adding to the discussion!
I kind of had sad day yesterday. I wanted to make things better between my daughter and her friends – kids change in high school and can not be so nice. But, I knew it was all out of my control – which drives me crazy! When I read your words about giving yourself permission to be sad or to have a pity party, my reflection of yesterday changed; I was relieved and smiled. It WAS okay that I was sad. I feel much better today. But after writing all of this down, for some reason, I feel like crying. But, I think it is because I love my daughter so much; I love my family so much – I am feeling life. Thank you for that reminder.
Glad I could provide a bit of relief, Jill. My mom has a line: little kids, little problems; big kids, bigger problems. It seems like the great joys and sadness can come from our kids. :) Here’s hoping your daughter’s situation improves and that she ends up with her best year yet!!
Hello,
Never wrote a comment but this one I thought I would. I have always said to others that it is their right to feel the way they feel. My husband worked for many years in hospitals as a counselor in mental health units. He always said he equated it to a pop bottle that you put your thumb over the top and shake and at some point if you keep it bottled up sooner or later it is going to explode. The same with people we need to feel our emotions good or bad and we will get through it.
I had a girls movie night planned with a few friends. I was so excited and looking forward to the weekend after and stressful week at work. I set out some of my favorite movies and waited until my friends got there. While waiting my fiance came home to say he was going to and cook out with my family. Well after he left I found out that no one could make for one reason or another. I sat there watching a movie sulking and feeling bad about myself. He called to see how things were going and when he found out what had happened he told me I should go over. I decided to go and had a great time. When one thing doesn’t work out something else does.