My dad tells a story from his childhood when he received a report card with less than stellar marks. He didn’t want to show his mom but knew she’d have to sign it before he returned it to his teacher. So he had the bright idea of placing gold foil stars over the offending grades, explaining they were a new sign of stellar performance. Once the signature was secured, he joyfully skipped to school, chucking the carefully peeled-off stars to the wind.
Years later, when cleaning out Grandma’s things, we found the evidence: an old brittle report card with a few stars still holding on for dear life. It’s unknown how many packages of gold stars Dad went through during his career.
Apparently, my grandmother was quite gullible. And if you remember the story I told of the altar my father built for our parish priests, you’ll now see that his actions were not always so angelic.
As we head to the end of the year’s first quarter, I am reminded of report card time, and the version that persists into adulthood: the quarterly performance review.
For those in almost any work environment, these performance reviews are times for employees to celebrate wins and receive constructive feedback from their employer.
As our own bosses, Kim and I conduct a big annual review (we recently shared tips on what that looks like with members of the Wonder & Whimsy Society) and do regular check-ins on walks and date nights.
In some environments, it might feel more like a dog and pony show, but there is a lot of value in taking some time in the midst of any endeavor to reflect on what’s going well and what improvements need to be made.
But why limit this ritual to our school days and professional lives?
Consider this: If you asked your kids to give you a report card on how you were doing as a parent, how would you get graded?
Gulp.
What if you asked your spouse for a performance review of the last quarter, how would that go?
It’s easy to laugh off. You probably just wondered if you’d also be able to conduct a review in the other direction…right?
Or how about an exercise where you gathered three of your best friends to share their appraisal of your friendship?
Work is an important aspect of life, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is more important than our relationships. If there’s value in evaluating how effective we’re being at work, there’s value in seeing how we measure up with the people we care about.
It’s dangerous to pretend that these reviews aren’t already happening, by the way. Unfortunately, we may not realize it until the feedback comes in the form of divorce papers or a broken, estranged relationship with a child.
Don’t wait till it’s too late. Have the courage to ask for an honest performance review from the people closest to you.
Here’s one tip I got from author Jack Canfield years ago that can deliver powerful results. First ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how would you rank me as a husband/wife/parent?” If it’s an honest “10,” congrats. Keep doing what you’re doing.
But it’s probably not.
In that case, ask a follow-up, “What would I have to do to earn a ten?”
Do with the feedback what you will, but there’s a very good chance you’ll receive some actionable insight that will make your relationship stronger.
And yes, for best results, take it seriously and allow both parties to rate one another. And pay attention to the time and setting. Bringing it up on a busy Saturday while pushing a full cart at Costco is not your best bet.
While you might be afraid to hear the answer, you might be surprised how far a few small intentional efforts can go.
Is this a fun activity? No. Is it easy? Also, no. Would you rather sign up for a double root canal with a single Kenny G song playing endlessly on repeat? Probably.
But it doesn’t matter how many accolades you earn at work if you fail at what matters most. While you can hope you’re performing better than you probably are, working to improve your relationships is always worth it.
You might not score a perfect 10, but who knows? Maybe you’ll earn a gold star.
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