Stinky’s Favorite Things: Holiday Edition

[Editor’s Note: This is a public excerpt from the private blog of Stinky, a stuffed skunk, opinionated connoisseur, and altogether jovial man about town. You can read all of Stinky’s enlightened thoughts on his blog as an official member of Club K&J.]

Well, it’s that time of year again; time for everyone in America to stand in line at Best Buy all at once.

My contractual obligations encourage me to shlep products to appease the commercial interests of my employer. Well, I may have to work for the man, but I refuse to read from his script. So, in the tradition of Oprah (another single-named celebrity), I’ve decided to assemble my own list of favorite things. Enjoy.

1. W.O.W. Christmas Card 24-pack. Christmas card sending keeps the mailmen (and women) busy this time of year. If you’re going to go through the trouble of sending me a Christmas card, make sure it’s a nice one. Not one of those lame, generic, 300-cards-for-a-nickel ones. You might as well send me a Post-it saying, “Hey, I really don’t care that much about you but I’d feel guilty if I didn’t send you something, so here.” If you’re gonna do the whole Christmas card thing, do it right. I like these cards because they’re different. They’re nice. They feel special. And the nice thing is, they won’t break the bank, either. And the fact that I’m only on one of the four designs is a fact I’m willing to overlook.
2. Corporate Flashcards. If you work for a living, or know someone who does, you’ll enjoy these flashcards. They’re especially good for kids who are new to the workforce, as these cards will help them to quickly get acclimated to corporate culture and up to speed with terms like “paradigm shift” and “bandwidth.” Also, if you know someone who would like to kill their boss, this would be a gift that could diffuse the tension for a bit, at least keeping them out of the national headlines through the holiday season.
3. Mini Bath Ice Cream Gift Set. I love ice cream, and I love taking baths. Normally, putting them together makes for a very sticky bath. But somehow, some wonderful team of scientists figured out how to combine the two together for a fizzy bath experience that is out of this world. They look like ice cream and they smell like ice cream, but unfortunately they don’t taste like ice cream. Oh well, as the man known as Meatloaf once said, two out of three ain’t bad.
4. Szechuan Scarf. I don’t knit myself, but I’ve heard that some people do. If I were to take up knitting, I think I’d like to knit myself a scarf. A really soft one. If I were to take up knitting, I’d definitely need some sort of guide to teach me how to knit a really soft scarf. And if I were to take up knitting, I’d probably need a pair of those chopstick things people use to knit with. This knit kit covers all of these issues. I’m partial to black, but they have different flavors.
5. Dirt Candle. Nothing says Christmas like a candle that smells like dirt. At least in the skunk subculture. Perhaps you know a skunk, a gardener, or a random man who might like such a candle, hand-poured into a steel paint can. If not, there are many more candles available, such as Apple Pie, Christmas Tree, and the fresh-smelling Clean Underpants.
6. Photo-Opoly. To be honest, I don’t know if I can recommend this game or not. One one hand, it’s based on the popular board game, Monopoly. You know, the game that can last for 59 consecutive hours because Grandma will not sell you a freaking railroad. On the spectrum of time it takes to play a game, Tic Tac Toe it’s not. On the other hand, this game is customizable. You get to add your own photos and create your own property cards. The thought of having a hotel empire on Stinky’s Place  and Skunkwalk is too good to pass up.
7. Paper Palm. Sometimes technology is a pain in the tail. This handy little crash-proof gadget is for all of the people who have ever had the urge to throw their computer out the window. (maybe that’s why Microsoft calls it Windows.)
8. Tailgating Cookbook. Many of you know of my deep passion for the pigskin. I have been among the final candidates for the Monday Night Football job more times than I can count. (I’m pretty sure Dan Dierdorf had pictures of someone.) I’m also what one might call a culinary juggernaut. Put food and football together and you’ve got a touchdown in my book, my friend.
9. Capitalist Pig Piggy Bank. Some have accused me of being all about the Benjamins. (Some have pointed to this post as proof.) It would be more accurate to say that I have a penchant for the finer things in life: a good cigar, a real French cream puff, a beach house in Miami. You can’t afford these things on my salary if you don’t save your money. So this piggy bank can come in handy. I’m pretty sure Donald Trump has one on his night stand.
10. Stud Muffin Mug. I originally had this mug custom designed for myself. (The reasons for this are obvious, so I shall not get into them here.) However, because my fan base is so large, I decided to sign off on a mass production effort. So now you too can own a faithful reproduction of the very mug that graces my desk and pretend that you are me. You’re welcome.