When I go to conferences, I always feel like I’m doing them wrong.
You see, I’m an introvert. And since 75% of the population is extroverted, the world is pretty much geared towards extroverts. Conferences included.
I love learning new things. I love meeting new people. But it takes me a while to process the new things I learn and I have a hard time approaching those new people. So most of the time I’m at a conference, I feel like I’m inadequate, subpar, and broken. I sit there arguing with the little voice inside my head that says, “You should be trying to meet more people. You’re missing out on opportunities that could be good for you and your business. You spent a lot of money on this conference and you’re letting these opportunities slip away.”
Ugh.
For some of you, when I mention the word “introvert,” socially awkward wallflowers may come to mind. For those unaware, being introverted doesn’t just mean that you’re shy. A quick primer:
Introverts get energized from being alone. Extroverts get energized by being with people. (This doesn’t mean that introverts don’t like being with people or that extroverts don’t like being alone.)
Introverts tend to process ideas and new information internally. Extroverts process ideas and information out loud.
At a party, introverts would prefer to have deeper conversations with a small handful of people. Extroverts would rather connect with as many people as possible, even if that means the conversations are shorter.
Perhaps now you can see how a conference setting can make an introvert feel terribly lacking and inferior.
People are often shocked to hear that I’m an introvert. (I speak in public for a living, after all!) But again, although I am on the shy side, I love speaking. I love being around people. It’s just that it requires an awful lot of energy, and after a long day of speaking, I need to crash. Hard.
So midway through The World Domination Summit in Portland, I was feeling pretty low. I was excited to be there and pumped with all that I was getting out of it, but that stupid little voice kept reminding me how many opportunities I was squandering by not being more outgoing. Everyone else was mingling like mad, with seemingly endless energy, while I became increasingly depleted.
Finally, after being verbally assaulted by this little voice for way too long, I summoned up the courage and…meekly shared my fears with Kim.
One of my biggest blessings is that I’m married to an introvert. (Yes, that bubbly outgoing spirit known as Kim is also an introvert!) That makes things nice, as we’re better able to relate to — and commiserate with — one another.
After chatting with Kim, she confirmed that I was not in fact broken, I was just an introvert.
Oh, right. I knew that.
But even though I knew it, I needed to be reminded. And affirmed.
We all do every once in a while.
So from then on, I cut myself a break. I gave myself permission to be myself. First off, Kim and I decided to skip the social tours that were scheduled for the end of the first day. We were fried. Like Popeye’s chicken. Instead we went for dinner — just the two of us. And it was glorious. We had a long conversation about all the great things we pulled out of the day’s speakers and how they applied to our lives.
I also gave myself permission to let meetings with people happen serendipitously. Which I love, and is easy for me to do. I realized that yes, there might be people I don’t get a chance to meet, but even the most prolific extroverts won’t get a chance to meet 500 people in just two days. Pretending like I could and trying to pull it off would be an impossible challenge that would leave me ragefully exhausted.
And so we got a chance to chat with Leo as we bumped into him on our way to lunch.
I had a nice conversation with Matt, who was boarding the afterparty bus at the same time as me.
We met Rick, who happened to be having lunch with some friends we already knew, and who is going to be helping us with some online marketing.
A meeting with David reminded me that our supposed flaws are actually strengths. My introversion may not be conducive for endless networking, but it does allow me to come up with some pretty great, fully formed ideas while making connections many people miss.
[ Side note: Interestingly, David was one of the many people we met who had been at the workshops Kim and I presented. One of the coolest things about being an introverted speaker is that after you talk, people initiate conversations with YOU. And you already have something in common with them: they like you, and you like you, too :) ]
What I was reminded of, hopefully once and for all (but probably not), is that it’s ok to cut yourself some slack once in a while. Be you. I don’t know why we are so insistent on comparing ourselves with other people. I do it more than I’d like to admit.
I took great solace in something Karen Walrond said during her keynote address:
“Making comparisons is a colossal waste of time, because you’re comparing your insides with someone else’s outsides.”
Dang. Guilty as charged. You?
Things seem to work out best when we give ourselves permission to let our outsides match our insides.
Nothing broken about that.
Hi Jason:
Thanks for sharing what you did. I could relate…I’m guessing that I’m probably an introvert, too. You see, I do enjoy attending networking events because I do get energized from meeting and connecting with people. But I often feel awkward and out of place…a bit like attending a party where everybody knows each other already.
Given what you wrote in your post, I’d also have to say that both introverts and extroverts have some work to do to improve their networking/schmoozing skills…introverts need to get more comfortable walking up to and approaching more people. Extroverts need to be better listeners in the conversations they’re engaged in…I remember talking to a very extroverted woman who spent more time searching for the next person she wanted to speak with than being fully present in our conversation.
Nonetheless, the WDS sounds like an amazing event and thanks for sharing info about some of the people you met along the way!
Good points, Tim. I think being the newbie at an event is uncomfortable for EVERYBODY…whether your an “innie” or an “outie!”
Jason, I totally get you! I’m an introvert as well, and people in the training classes I teach are often surprised to find that out. You’re right though – we’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with us. We’re just different, and differences are the spice of life!
Indeed! Who wants to live a spice-free life? That would be pretty bland. Hee hee.
I recently finished a book on this very topic, thought I’d share … it’s called “Introvert Power” by Laurie Helgoe. As an introvert too (yay, team!), I found it empowering and inspiring.
Thanks for the recommendation., Suzanne. I for one will check it out!
FYI…The “Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney is also very good.
Thank-you so much for the musings regarding introverts vs extroverts. I am an outgoing person, but definitely an introvert. Seeing you speak at an Early Childhood Education conference, I never would’ve guessed you were, so that really drives it home! :) I’m even going to print it out. Thanks. And keep up the good work!
Yes, I have been known to fool people ;) Glad you enjoyed the post, Karen!
Jason,
Thank-you for sharing these thoughts with all of us; all 100% of us : }
I can’t tell you how much I can relate to nearly everything you shared! I am an outgoing person, expecially professionally. I often experience shock from people who learn that I am an introvert.
Unlike your family situation, my husband is CLEARLY and extrovert and we have raised 2 young men who are both extroverts – one more so than the other. I am now a bit ashamed that I have told my boys that I am pleased that they turned out more extroverted like their dad.
Keep up your AWESOME messages! I look forward to reading your emails every Monday – –
Thanks Jane! Interesting you bring up family, Kim and I have felt that being parents is awfully draining for introverts, but maybe it only seems that way because we have a two-and-a-half-year-old who is so excited to be communicating (seemingly) everything that runs through her head ;)
Thank you so much for this post. At 37 yrs, i can finally appreciate the introvert in me. Thank you, thank you, thank you !! Stumbled onto your blog. Great place to be. Hope you can cure the world of its terrible afflition – Adultitis :))
We’re working on it, Fara. We could use your help!
Introverts FTW. :)
Jason, I went through exactly the same thing at WDS. After the opening party I realized I was just not going to be the guy that met everyone, and it was so much better when I let that go.
I made several meaningful connections at WDS and I am grateful that I let myself be the introvert.
On a side note, is it an introvert thing to be interrupted? I usually wait politely if I am going to approach/initiate a conversation, but I find that when I am engaged in a conversation in a situation like WDS, people will just walk up and interrupt me so they can meet/say what they have to say to the person I was talking too.
Great post!
Thanks, Spyros!
Yes, I experienced the interruption thing, too. Not sure if it’s an introvert thing or a “somebody’s mother didn’t raise them right” thing :)
Good article. Just wanted to point out that in fact, society is split 50/50 among introverts and extroverts. The “75% extrovert” idea is in fact an outmoded perception no longer supported by data.
Interesting data, Ty. Thanks for chiming in! I’ve also read that different cultures/countries tend to prize different temperaments. For instance, the United States tends to favor extraversion, while Japan favors introversion. Might be why it *seems* to me like there are more extraverts in America :)
Thanks for sharing, Jason. I, too, am an introvert (very “high-I”) and everyone always thinks I’m an extrovert because I do training and public speaking doesn’t bother me. I also do enjoy gatherings. However, at the end, I too, am fried (more like KFC, tho’ ) and have to have some “down time”. My mother is the exact opposite of me – very extroverted – and starts talking to me the minute I walk in her door and doesn’t stop until I walk out. I have to swallow my tendency to say, “Would you please BE QUIET for two minutes???” and simply say, “Mom, I need to go upstairs for about a half hour. I’ll be back and we can continue this then.” She’s OK with that, but it took some time to allow myself to do that! Great post.
Thanks Minette. Yes, I’m not sure what’s harder, training others about what we need to be sane or training ourselves to be ok with who we are :)
“The Introvert Advantage” is an encouraging book for anyone who has felt the pain of being an introvert in an extrovert world. Marti Olsen Laney also shows how it can be equally painful and unfulfilling to remain in a state of seclusion. Through reading thoughtful segments on a daily basis, you can finally start to find balance in your daily existence.
Yes, I’ve read that book — it is a great one!