I have a confession to make. I’m often more eager to head downstairs to work than I am to come back upstairs and rejoin the family.
I think it’s because when I’m spending time with my kids, I don’t feel as productive as I do as when I’m working. I still choose family over work more often than not, but sometimes I look at the money and accomplishments my peers are collecting, and I wonder if I’m making the best use of my time, especially when we’re just sitting around doing “nothing.”
I used to feel pretty guilty about feeling this way, until a book called How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton Christensen shed some light on things.
He points out that it is our nature to unconsciously choose the things that give us an immediate, tangible accomplishment over something for which we aren’t likely to see a return for decades. With our work, it’s easier to see an immediate payoff to the efforts we put in, which makes us feel like we’ve actually accomplished something.
We can close a sale, finish a week’s worth of lesson plans, deliver a presentation, show one more house, publish a paper, or redesign our web site in less time than it takes to raise great kids or build an awesome marriage.
And the tiny choices — like staying a bit longer at work, taking calls from the office on the weekend, or leaving vacation days unused — don’t seem to negatively impact our relationships in the short run. After all, your spouse and children will still be there when you get home. Meanwhile, we justify these decisions by telling ourselves that we are doing them to better provide for our families, by helping to earn a raise, increase our savings, or solidify job security.
Danger, Will Robinson!
Like a leaky faucet in a clogged sink, those tiny choices really add up as the years go by. They gradually form a track record overflowing with evidence of where are true priorities lie.
This is why we see so many broken marriages and estranged relationships even though most people consider relationships to be the most important thing in their lives, ahead of money or career success.
This concept served as both a wake-up call and an affirmation for me. It woke me up to the power of tiny choices and my innate desire for immediate gratification, while affirming me in the decision to spend as much time as possible “doing nothing” with my kids, no matter how successful others may appear to be.
I may not be as “productive” as my peers, but in the long run, I will be a very rich man indeed.
Jason, I so agree with you. I see a contrast, though, where adults who reorder their priorities are (sometimes) seen as enlightened, and maybe envied from a distance by people who wish to do the same but are too entangled in whatever lifestyle to do it. One the other side are kids who choose to be kids, who prefer to play outside with playful people rather than “hang out,” and be cool, who are not accumulating barnacles of Adultitis, and they get called immature.
I was informed a few weeks ago that my thoughtful, responsible, well-spoken son is immature. Because he’s silly and playful and I let him learn from his experiences instead of dictating options.
The cool thing? After we had processed all this, my son looked at me and said, “She really has bad Adultitis, doesn’t she?”. I suppose misery loves company.
That’s a good point. I can’t wait to see how “immature” my kids will be considered to be someday :)
And by the way…”accumulating barnacles of Adultitis”?
LOVE.IT.